#does milk fuck up my ibs

[babygirlcowboy]

Exposing myself as a cow milk drinker,,,whole milk my beloved I'm so sorry for the way gay people have treated you

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

How autistic black and white thinking can be dangerous when it comes to food, diet and body image

TW: mention of diets, diet culture and calorie tracking.

Being autistic is annoying in a lot of ways, but one of the most annoying things for me (outside of socialising) is eating.

Not only do the sensory issues suck but I really can't tell when I'm hungry or full. And when I CAN feel how hungry I am it feels like hell on Earth.

So, because my body doesn't like to tell me when I've eaten enough, AND eating is my favourite stim, I tend to over-eat... a lot...

And so because I over eat, I try to track my calories. Because I cannot tell how much I need to eat, I can't accurately guess when I've had enough or not enough food.

But, calorie tracking has not always gone well for me. When I was a late teen I started calorie tracking because I had always been just a little over weight.

However, I didn't really understand any nuance about calorie tracking. My autistic brain went into black and white thinking.

More calories = bad

Less calories = good

So, you can see where this slippery slope ends up. Disordered eating. I was not eating enough food. I was only eating a handful of almonds and an apple for lunch some days.

I was only eating foods with low calories (almond milk, which is disgusting..., fruits and veg, avoiding carbs...)

I did lose a lot of weight over a 2 year period. It wasn't that crazy but for me it was definitely getting dangerous. I was getting thinner and fitter, but it was NEVER enough. I was never skinny enough. I was never cute enough. I was never strong enough. I was never disciplined enough. It become about more than my health. It became about my appearance, my personality, my self control. I acted like I was a beast that had to be tamed and trained with crumbs and hunger.

Because of my disordered eating, starting birth control, stress and genetic factors I ended up getting IBS.

This ended up being a blessing and a curse. It ended up forcefully put a stop to my bad eating habits as I had to figure out what I actually could and couldn't eat. I had to focus on triggers and what I was eating, rather than how much I was eating.

Because of this I switched to intuitive eating. I couldn't calorie track and keep a list of what foods were triggering my reactions (if you know low FODMAP you know my struggle). And this worked for a while. I gained weight but it wasn't a big deal. I was back to being able to eat again so I was relatively happy.

But guess what, intuitive eating didn't work for my autistic body at all.

It didn't work because my autistic body cannot tell me what I need. People say to listen to your body but I often can't even figure out where a random pain is from. I don't feel cold very well sometimes. I don't notice thirst or hunger much at all.

So, with intuitive eating, I gained a lot of weight. And now I'm bigger than ever before. And of course I'm glad that I'm reasonably healthy despite my weight, but I know that this is too much weight for me.

And so where does this bring me back to? Calorie tracking.

For 5 months I tried *just* exercising more, but I ended up eating more and nothing was changing. I didn't want to calorie track again. I was terrified of becoming the shell of a person that I was before. Measuring every almond, every teaspoon of tomato sauce, every grain of sugar in my coffee (which was a treat).

But I needed to start going into a calorie deficit again. My eating was becoming out of control. I know people say "you can't have a food addiction, you need food to survive". But I just feel like the people who say this haven't experienced the pain that comes when all you can think about is eating.

(Disclaimer: eating a lot, being fat or gaining weight is not a morally good or bad thing. I just know that for my body, in my current size, does not feel good physically or mentally. This is a personal evaluation and choice. Fuck diet culture.)

And so recently I've been doing calorie tracking again, but this time with more nuance and knowledge going foward.

Part of my calorie tracking rules include:

1. No food is out of limits unless it physically hurts me (like dairy).

2. I don't calorie track when I'm sick, on my period, or it's a special event (birthdays, vacation, day off work, before blood tests, etc.)

3. I calculated how much calories I need to maintain weight and eat just below that, not trying to eat as little as possible. (There are websites you can calculate this if you're interested!)

4. I try to eat more calories earlier in the day, and more sweet and salty treats earlier in the day, to prevent binging at night.

And so far, it's actually been going really well! This time I am not hungry 24/7 (nor do I feel a weird sense of pride for being hungry). I eat what I want and have relatively manageable cravings. I'm not stressing over food 24/7 because I just add it up before dinner and see how much I have left. I'm not torturing myself through PMS with hunger. I'm not working out my body to the breaking point anymore.

It turns that out that calorie tracking has become a good tool for my autism and my physical wellbeing. It has been a good way to keep track of what I'm eating and!!! It's actually helping me become more in tune with my body and my hunger signals.

Because I let myself eat what I feel like I've reduced cravings.

Because I'm calorie tracking I'm noticing that I feel full when I've eaten my maintenance calories, and I feel slightly hungry when I've eaten not enough. I'm beginning to learn how much I need to eat visually. I'm learning how much energy certain foods actually contain.

With intuitive eating I was just eating whenever I thought about food. Which wasn't always when I was hungry or needed to, because eating has been a major coping mechanism in my life. Stimming by eating has helped me through so many stressful events, but It's begun to jeopardize my health.

So, I'm not really sure what the take away from this post is, I just wanted to share my experience here. Thank you for reading

I just want to double down as I end this post by saying - GAINING WEIGHT, EATING A LOT OR BEING FAT IS NOT MORALLY GOOD OR BAD. YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE ♥️

[rosysugarr]

Milk Inside/Outside A Bag Of Milk are, in the words of a good friend of mine, "finally, games for crazy bitches." Which is to say, they're much more intense depictions of severe mental illness than most games tend to engage with, and that's a really good thing. I recognized parts of my own mental illness in them that I have NEVER seen depicted in anything else before.

The Witch's House and Yume Nikki are CLASSIC RPGMaker horror, please play those games omg

Fran Bow and Little Misfortune are fantastic but please please please look up trigger warnings for them before yall play them. There's some dark shit going on in those games that could be very upsetting to folks.

Misao is another I would definitely suggest a trigger warning search for before you play it, but it IS worth playing. Mad Father is by the same creator and is more... gory/body horror I guess? But less triggery in other certain ways (Misao has a running theme of sexual abuse, while Mad Father does not.)

Ib is a fucking incredible horror game and yall should play it. If you can see this and you haven't played Ib yet, do it. It's a horror game that isn't bloody or graphic in any way-- I'd honestly say it's pretty safe for most folks, though I'd still be careful and look it up before you play it, but. There's no gore, no themes of sex or sexual abuse, no shock value content, just fun spooky vibes and some really good characters. I'd say Ib is the most highly recommended horror game on this list, if only because I think it's the safest for the most people to actually play! The other horror games here are good, but tend to feature some heavy or intense themes that aren't appropriate for everyone; Ib is just a spooky story set inside a weird museum.

Some indie game recommendations from ones I’ve played or know enough about them to suggest them to others(mostly in no particular order), Part 2, since Tumblr stopped letting me add more for some reason:

Parts 1, 3, 4, 5,  6

Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights

Broforce

Invercity

Murder By Numbers

Sally Face

Fran Bow

Little Misfortune

Gnosia

Ib

The Forest of Drizzling Rain

Necrobarista

Croixleur Sigma

Ara Fell

Cosmic Star Heroine

Touhou Luna Nights

The Strange Man series(The Crooked Man, The Sandman and The Boogieman)

Misao

Yume Nikki/Yume Nikki: Dream Diary

The Witch’s House

WILL: A Wonderful World

Mad Father

Fears to Fathom Series

Record of Lodess War: Deedlit in Wonderland

Milk Inside a Bag of Milk Inside a Bag of Milk/ Milk Outside a Bag of Milk Outside a Bag of Milk

[klixxy]

weekly fic recs

(ft. my bookmark comments - mostly mha and voltron)

boku no hero academia:

what is right and what is easy - theroyalsavage

(bnha; tododeku; fluff + angst; 2k words; oneshot)

Midoriya Izuku is not chosen to represent Hogwarts in the Triwizard Tournament. He does not slay a dragon, or rescue innocents, or brave a maze of dark magic. He does not win accolades, or fame, or glory.

Instead, Izuku meets the son of the greatest dark wizard of the age, a Durmstrang student with hair like a sunrise and eyes like a war. And maybe, he just might win something else.

If I'm Being Honest.... by I_dont_know_man 

(bnha; tododeku; fluff + crack/humor; 26k words; oneshot; truth quirk)

Midoriya scrunched up his nose in confusion. “Uh, Shouto, why are you glaring at me like that?”

“I-” Todoroki began to lie, until nausea slammed him like a door to any room that Bakugou entered. “I--” Todoroki grit his teeth, and glared daggers into the wall behind Midoriya. Goodbye, friendship. It had been absolutely divine while it lasted. “Because you’re very attractive.”

They say honesty is the best policy, but it sure as hell had a knack for Todoroki making a complete and utter fool of himself.

Or: In which Todoroki is placed under a mysterious truth-telling quirk and suffers, Uraraka laughs at him, Midoriya is confused but smitten nonetheless, and Twitter is the thirstiest site on the planet.

paint on our lips (paint on those fingertips) by spicanao

(bnha; tododeku; angst + magical realism; 11k words; oneshot; gallery au)

Galleries are wonderful places. The works seem so vibrant, so beautiful, so alive.

Until they're actually alive.

(Ib AU)

[my bookmarks: holy shit this is beautiful in an odd, poignant, dream-like way]

Todoroki Shouto’s Amateur Guide to Not Fucking Up The Timeline by Anubis_2701

(bnha; tododeku; crack/humor; 13k words; oneshot; time travel; future fic)

All that Todoroki had wanted was milk. Nothing drastic, nothing dramatic, just milk.

Unfortunately, in his quest to get milk, he ended up running into one of the saltiest, most impulsive people this side of the globe. Who also just so happened to have a volatile time-travel quirk.

So yeah, he was fucked. Just slightly. Being punted randomly through time wasn't exactly how he'd wanted to spend his Saturday morning. At least the younger versions of his friends are cute.

awake and (un)afraid, asleep or- by driedupwishes

(bnha; tododeku; fluff + angst + The Feels; 54k words; oneshot; social media/future fic)

“You,” Shoto says, picking his head up from where his screen is filled with The Worst Photograph Ever, curtesy of Shinsou, Jiro, Kaminari, his brother, and nearly everyone they know. “You are so dead to me.”

Kirishima blinks, mouth half open while Izuku mutters oh god, it’s too late, isn’t it on the other end of the phone, before Kirishima is leaning into his space to see his screen.

“Oh,” he says, in response to the photo someone in the crowd of civilians watching the fight had taken of them. “Oh, that’s-” he cuts himself off for a minute, leaning back to eye Shoto’s face while on the other side of the phone Izuku smothers what is probably a laugh, and then changes tracks.

“It’s super manly to love and support your friends,” Kirishima tells Shoto haughtily, as if this whole thing isn't his fault in the first place.

-

or: Kirishima and Shoto accidentally start trending on Twitter and in retaliation Shoto decides to make an Instagram to showcase all his Hero Deku merchandise, so that everyone knows how much he loves his boyfriend Izuku, and no one expects how quickly it will all spiral out from there

[my bookmarks: broke my heart. i teared up multiple times and even now I'm barely holding back tears.

pure beauty. pulls an incredible amount of emotion from the descriptive language and conveys the love and loneliness and that pulsing ache so well that i thought that my chest would cave in from the force of all the fucking feelings in it. this entire fic was a perfect, awe-inspiring package of fluff, beautiful shoto and class 1a interaction, heartfelt long distance tododeku feels, and almost every single paragraph had my heart fucking squeezing so hard in my chest that i could barely breathe.

i am in awe.]

Hooliganisms by aphrodaisyacs

(bnha; gen/todofam; crack/humor; 17k words; series; social media)

In which an anonymous artist’s street art of Bald Endeavor goes viral, causing a chain of coincidental events and ironic situations to ripple through the lives of everyone- heroes, villains and civilians alike.

[my bookmarks: i'm crying so much from laughter]

Part 1: Where it all begins- the origins of the street artist known as the "Bald Hooligan" and their rise to infamy

Part 2: The spin-off focusing on the unlikely trio whose friendship was borne from the events of Part 1

Daydreaming by AnonymousTwit

(bnha; gen/todobakudeku; angst; 7k words; oneshot; todoroki-centric)

If he'd been more careful, then they'd be fine. If he'd been paying attention, then he wouldn't be alone right now.

But he wasn't and he hadn't, so it's just him, now. It's him, his thoughts, and the unconscious bodies of two of his closest friends as he waits for someone to reach them.

Whether they be friendly or not.

Or

Author has writer's block and coughed up some Todoroki angst in retaliation.

A Study in Firsts by Oceanbreeze7

(bnha; gen; angst + fluff + humor; 76k words; ongoing; class 1a-centric)

There’s a first time for everything.

The first time everyone crammed in Momo’s room to study, a mess of limbs and books on her bed.

The first time Mina burned crepes so badly the smoke alarm went off.

The first time a jumpscare got Sero so badly, he flipped off the back of the couch.

The first time Uraraka fell asleep at the table and accidentally sent it floating.

The first time someone realized Todoroki walked far too quietly, and far too cautiously around the dorms to be normal.

The first time Midoriya broke his toe on a door frame and kept walking through it.

The first time Kirishima woke up screaming through the walls.

The first time Tsuyu blanched at the sight of a needle.

The first time Bakugo dropped, clutching the back of his neck with eyes scarily vacant and detonating everything around him until Aizawa had to intervene.

It wasn’t always pretty, but the dorms were filled with firsts.

Responsibility by deafmic

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 94k words; series (complete); todoroki-centric; dadzawa + papamic)

“I told you outside,” Aizawa chooses his words carefully, reiterating the same point he’s made before. “My responsibility for you doesn’t end at the classroom. Every part of your life is partially my responsibility. Your father doesn’t scare or intimidate me. If you need help, I can get it for you, but you and I both know that you need to ask for it first.”

Aizawa organizes a way for the students to go home for the holidays. Todoroki Shouto, however, gets left behind by his father. Aizawa, annoyed at Endeavor, takes Shouto under his care for the night, and is joined by a certain Yamada Hizashi.

[my bookmarks: *unholy screaming sobbing noises*

an incredible and emotional journey from start to finish.]

the drip of melting ice by walking_through_autumn

(bnha; gen/platonic shintodo; angst + fluff; 19k words; oneshot; todoroki/shinsou-centric ft. dadzawa)

Aizawa found out within a day. It was quite likely due to the dish Todoroki had washed and left to dry in the shared kitchen after the kitten had been fed off it. Hitoshi was forced to reflect that it wasn’t any good hiding the litter and cat food in their wardrobes if Todoroki was going to make a fundamental mistake like that.

Aizawa stood in his door frame and raised an eyebrow. “Well? Where is the cat?”

Hitoshi gave his most disarming smile. “What cat?”

Todoroki chose that moment to exit his room, eyes on his phone, other hand holding a cat toy. He bumped into Aizawa and looked up slowly, like in a horror movie.

“...oh,” Todoroki said. Aizawa raised the other eyebrow. Hitoshi rubbed a hand down his face.

Herbal tea, weekly floor gatherings, spoiled surprises, movie marathons, shared custody over a cat, rain and ice and blankets and plushies, and the journey of falling into a friendship.

(Or: Hitoshi moves into the 2A dormitory at the beginning of his second year, learns who his neighbour is, and makes the friends he had declared he isn't there to have within the space of a semester.)

Hand in Hand in Hand by kngsbrg (Citlalcoatl)

(bnha; todobakudeku; fluff + strangers to lovers; 10k words; oneshot; tea au)

Boiling the water, choosing the right temperature for the right kind of tea, using quality leaves, scooping the precise amount, and letting it steep for just the perfect time...

All that and more is needed to make a delicious cup of tea.

A business that Shouto was quite knowledgeable about.

*

Spring begins and brings with it the hint of new fresh air, buds waiting to blossom, and just a bit of change.

[my bookmarks: featuring: oblivious teamaker shoto and pining firemen baku and izu]

even if i die (it's you) by monomoon

(bnha; todobaku; fluff + angst + strangers to lovers; 75k words; complete; paramedic au)

Or; where Todoroki never went to UA and, in rejection of his father's ambitions, became a paramedic; and where pro hero Bakugou Katsuki is just a little bit too intrigued with the heterochromatic man who always glares daggers at him whenever he sees him.

When Bakugou was suddenly and abruptly met with two cold, heterochromatic eyes glaring daggers right back at him, he had two immediate thoughts:

"Why does he look like he's plotting my assassination?"

and

"Why the fuck are his eyes so pretty?"

[my bookmarks: UGH THIS IS JUST FUCKING PHENOMENAL- GORGEOUS LOVELY INCREDIBLE HEARTSTOPPING HEARTBREAKING BEAUTIFUL RIDICULOUSLY GOOD POIGNANT I AM RUNNING OUT OF ADJECTIVES BUT IT'S GREAT TRUST ME AKDHJSFNW]

This Is Now by colormesherlocked

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort + fluff; 193k words; series (ongoing); todoroki-centric)

Todoroki Shoto will be a hero.

...But not just yet. Right now, Todoroki Shoto is a bitter, pessimistic, hurt teenager who doesn't want help, friends or hinderances of any kind getting in the way of his misguided goals.

Thankfully, there will soon be people in his life who will be more than happy to drag him into a place of happiness, safety, and acceptance - kicking and screaming the whole way, if they have to. All he has to do is survive his first meeting with them and all the incredible changes that will come after.

This is Todoroki Shoto's Hero Academia.

(Semi-canon compliant up to a point and told from Todoroki Shoto's POV.)

the league of anti-villains by aizawa_wears_crocs (avenris), avenris

(bnha; gen; angst + fluff + humor; 35k words; ongoing; todobakushinmono-centric)

When he's secretly tasked to find the UA traitor, Todoroki isn't expecting help. He's especially not expecting it from the three other first year students perceived as villainous in their own ways. Unfortunately for him, Shinsou, Monoma and Bakugou have all got something to prove, and his solo mission turns into a team effort that rapidly spirals far beyond what they were expecting to find - but hey, they're in too deep now.

Or: in which the gang solves the mystery of the traitor feat. todoroki family shenanigans, copious amounts of dadzawa, backstory for my favorite 1-B gremlin, and good old-fashioned illegal vigilantism.

such eloquent graffiti by firelilyblooms

(bnha; todobaku; angst + hurt/comfort; 9k words; oneshot; todoroki-centric; future fic)

Todoroki Shouto is sitting cross-legged at his coffee table, hunched over a bowl of instant ramen, when he finds out along with the rest of the world that the Flame Hero, Endeavor, is dead.

Or, Shouto's guide to dealing with death.

[my bookmarks: i am in ✨pain✨:)]

Tell-All by HopeNight

(bnha; todofam; angst; 4k words; oneshot; todofam/natsuo-centric)

When Natsuo is twenty-years-old, he publishes a tell-all book on his father and growing up in his house. This starts a domino effect, of course. With the book comes an investigation and sets the groundwork for the Hawks scandal in several years’ time that will see the disbandment of the Heroic Public Safety Commission and the ascension of pro hero Deku to the Number One slot. This will also lead to a decades long chain of change and progress with Deku wielding his influence and charisma like a sword and shield to make society and the world a little better than when he found it.

In essence, you can say, that Todoroki Natsuo is the true hero of this story with his fake quirk and an anger burning in his gut. Just one small book and suddenly…everything changes. The future is brighter for its existence. The curtains are thrown back and the light begins its work to disinfect and cleanse.

When Todoroki Shouto is in his second year of UA, his brother, Natsuo, publishes a tell-all book of essays about growing up in Endeavor's house.

This is Natsuo's story about how he really changed the path of things.

like an open wound by filzmonster

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 5k words; oneshot; todoroki-centric; manga spoilers)

It's a Sunday and Shouto is making gyoza in the dorm kitchen - or: It's a Sunday and Todoroki has an existential crisis over food.

[my bookmarks: oh my GODDDDDDDDD

*screeches while crying**is a blubbering mess*]

Shouto Todoroki and His Stuffed Eeyore (And Also Childhood Trauma) by ThatSpicySeaFlapFlap

(bnha; gen; angst + MORE ANGST; 42k words; complete; todoroki-centric)

Aizawa looked him in the eye, placed a gentle hand around his bicep (not like Endeavor, his father had only ever touched him with the intention to burn) and asked, “Are you okay?”

People don’t usually ask him things. They like to tell him things, like where to sit or what to wear or how to talk or how to be a hero or how to be himself.

‘Am I okay?’ He thought. He realized he doesn’t ask himself things, either.

Shouto didn’t have an answer to Aizawa’s question, so instead he said:

“A very long time ago, my mother did something....highly upsetting.” The boy was tracing the outline of his scar, his calloused finger stopping and jumping around the bumps and ridges of the burnt skin. “Something today reminded me of that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” His teacher asked.

“No.”

“Okay. I’m here when you do. I’m always here, kid.” Shouto only responded with a sob. He felt as if he’d earned that right after all the emotional labor he had been put through tonight.

days by chibistarlyte

(bnha; todobaku; angst + hurt/comfort; 19k words; series (complete); todoroki-centric)

Most days, Shouto is fine.

But some days...

Some days, Shouto falls apart.

Location Sent by sunflowerstorm

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 15k words; oneshot; todoroki-centric; third year 1a)

In their first year at UA Midoriya sent his location to the class 1-A group chat during the Hosu incident because he didn't have time to do anything else before rushing to Iida's aid.

Now in their second year, Todoroki sends his location to the group chat at 6:30am on a Saturday morning after going home for the weekend. Midoriya knows immediately that something is very wrong and takes off, Bakugo hot on his heels.

-----

"They’d known each other long enough to be able to communicate practically wordlessly. The quiet rage on Midoriya's face was extremely telling, this was bad. Bakugo braced himself as Midoriya shuffled to the side to show where his hands were hovering over what was most certainly a burn and a serious one at that. Todoroki’s own fire didn’t burn him but they all knew that didn’t make him fire proof. Bakugo could do the math."

Faith by phinnium

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 7k words; oneshot; todoroki-centric; manga spoilers)

"You wanted to open a case?"

Aizawa frowned, "uh, yeah. Someone showed you Dabi's video, didn't they? And I don't doubt Todoroki himself has told you bits and pieces."

Izuku did not expect this to be how the conversation went.

"Yeah. But Todoroki isn't being hurt now. He's fine. Endeavour's changed."

Or: Midoriya trusts the Hero Commission far more than he should, especially given the situation at hand. Todoroki isn't available to explain what's what, so Aizawa and Bakugou do it instead.

(Written after the release of issue 293 of the manga, and in the aftermath of the current arc. Spoilers ahead.)

Incendiary by macrauchenia

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 17k words; ongoing (hiatus?); todoroki-centric)

"You're going to die, little Todoroki. And if you don't, your classmates will instead."

A training exercise backfires when Izuku and Todoroki become tangled in an escaped villain's vendetta against Endeavor. Alone in a perilous situation due to the villain's barrier quirk, Todoroki must take desperate and creative measures to save his classmates.

[Class 1-A Teamwork/Bonding]

Parallax by petrichor (findingkairos)

(bnha; gen; angst + hurt/comfort + fluff; 64k words; ongoing; todoroki-centric)

Todoroki Shouto has memories that he didn't make on his own, motor skills that his brain doesn't know how to parse, and a love of science and mathematics and physics that means he broke down his Quirk into its most intricate, universe-bending components at the age of seven.

In one universe, he wants to become a hero. In this one, even though he doesn't want to, he might have to.

(Featuring: a rapidly developing Shoutosquad, Quirk science, headcanons of all flavors, healthy and supportive sibling and sibling-like relationships, and Dadzawa.)

[notes: one of my current favorite fics that i’m eagerly following for the next update. :D]

Caturdays by staqua (aka my fav todobaku author)

(bnha; todobaku; fluff + angst + enemies to lovers; 10k words; oneshot)

"Hmm... It's lunchtime now isn't it? You should have lunch with him."

"With Bakugou?" He blanched. "I think he would refuse and then murder me."

Rei chuckled softly as if death was a joke and held his hand tenderly. "If he's in the hospital, someone he cares about must not be well. I think anyone going through that should have a nice meal with good company."

"You overestimate me," Shouto pointed out and she gave another laugh.

OR: Shouto's usual Saturdays included visits to his mother and the cat cafe; he wasn't expecting Bakugou to get thrown in the mix.

voltron: legendary defender:

*hacks twitter in space* by Zakyuu 

(vld x marvel; gen/klance; crack/humor + fluff; 17k words; social media au; ongoing)

the voltron paladins arent as popular as the avengers, obviously — in fact, no one even knows they exist. but they still radiate the same kind of dumb gay energy like the rest of the world.

or: pidge somehow manages to connect voltron's communicators onto earth and virtually nothing is the same. voltron also collectively makes everyone lose their marbles while they play hot potato with the fact that theyre in a ten thousand year war with the galra.

the fear of falling by amillionsmiles

(vld; gen; angst + fluff; character study; 3k words; oneshot; keith-centric)

Keith can pull off a downward spiral. It's the kind of maneuver he does in his sleep.

[my bookmarks: stunning. beautiful. breathtaking. poignant.]

Recoil/Release by Cheshyr

(vld; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 22k words; oneshot; keith-centric)

When Keith is bitten by an alien creature with venom that causes your dominant emotions to be amplified, the team is ready for a day of dealing with an incredibly angry paladin.

Which means they're not ready at all for what actually happens.

hound by story_monger

(vld; gen; angst + hurt/comfort; 47k words; oneshot; keith-centric)

Keith has a lot of practice being alone; you might almost say he's good at it. When he finds himself seriously injured and stranded on an unknown planet, he knows he's not alone there. And here's the worst part: even after rescue and after things return to normal, Keith gets the distinct sense that whatever was on that planet has followed him. He doesn't have proof. But he knows it's there. He knows it's not going to stop until it gets what it wants.

Keith's 'Physical Contact' Initiation Program by alisayamin (sh_04e)

(vld; gen; fluff+ angst + hurt/comfort; 26k words; oneshot; keith-centric)

Keith didn’t move and neither did Pidge. It was a little awkward until Keith finally said, “Maybe we could officially officiate this..?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fist me.”

Pidge recoiled and sputtered, “Keith, what the f-” She was cut off by Shiro’s bellowing laughter from the observatory deck.

With his straight face unchanged, Keith lowered his left hand with the stopwatch and lifted his right hand, fisted.

Pidge actually sighed with so much relief, “OH. You mean fistbump! Right.” She slapped her forehead to remove the very very wrong image her imagination drew for her, “Holy shit, Keith, we need to work on that but yeah sure, I’d be honoured to officiate your physical contact program whatever.”

Or

That one time Coran realized Keith was too distant and decided to make him undergo the 'Physical Contact' Initiation Program which then led to --> 5 times the paladins realized Keith was an actual cat.

The Red String by Le_Tournesol

(vld; gen/klance; angst + fluff; 19k words; series (ongoing); keith-centric; pre-voltron au)

Lance and Keith keep coming across one another at different points in their lives.

[my bookmarks: this is so sad and sweet and lovely]

All that is gold does not glitter by Rangergirl3

(vld; gen; angst + fluff + hurt/comfort; 28k words; complete; keith-centric)

Keith isn't what most would call a 'people' person, but that doesn't stop him from caring about his team.

aka

Five Times the other Paladins learned something about Keith, and the One Time he learned something about them.

[my bookmarks: fuck. just- fuck.]

Miscommunication Celebration by SleepySsnail

(vld; gen; fluff + hurt/comfort; 4k words; oneshot; keith-centric; birthday fic)

Keith was never too focused on his birthday, but when it rolls around he hopes his team remembers it. When Keith's birthday is full of quality time and fun, he doesn't even question why his friends haven't said "happy birthday" to him.

Or: Where Keith thinks everyone is celebrating his birthday when they really forgot about it.

Keithtober 2019 Day 23: Birthday

avatar: the last airbender:

Change of Address by hearmerory

(atla; gen/zukka; ANGST + fluff + hurt/comfort; 89k words; series (ongoing); zuko-centric; modern au)

A collection of instances in a modern AU of Zuko's shitty childhood, featuring Ozai's dislike of his son's autism and sexuality.

[my bookmarks: FUCK F U C K WHAT THE ACTUAL F U C K.

I CAN'T WITH THIS ANYMORE.]

[hholyholland]

buwygf, ib

pairing: cheater! tom holland x reader

warnings: cheating, smut just pure smut, unprotected sex (wrap it before u tap it), lowkey trash talking, praise, nicknames

word count: 2.4k

note: cheating is not okay but ariana grande made me write this cause it was the only inspiration i had last night. btw i wrote this at 2 am so i'm sorry if it's bad and it's also my first smut imagine so :)

Y/N clicked send and patiently waited for a response, her exposed leg bounced up and down looking up from the phone and around the room.

Her acrylic nail tapped against the glass she was holding, a mean but determined look on her face.

Her neck glowed under the dim lights, the silk of her dress illuminated her skin, her body sparkling with sweat that she made look oh, so pretty.

Her phone buzzed on the bar and she instantly looked at it, a smirk grew on her lips and she felt her blood boil with excitement.

Come ‘ere love.

She left the glass on the table and strutted out of the club, her heels clicked loudly as she made her way to his hotel. It was only two blocks away from her destination.

She had told him a million times, every time they were done she'd tell him before leaving once again, “break up with her tommy, im fucking bored.”

Sure it'd look a bit bad for him if he broke up with Z and was instantly seen with another girl, but if anyone were to find out what the two of you were doing at this moment it'd be even worse.

You were friendly with her, you hung out with them. You saw him hold her hand, or her waist always having her close, if only she knew. You'd hug her, go out with her, and spend nights with her.

She'd talk about him so highly, being in love, and there were times where you actually felt.. guilty, but there was just something so intoxicating and so fun about what the two of you were doing behind everyone's back.

You walked into the hotel and gave an innocent smile at the people at the desk walking to the elevators. You made your way up to his room and prepared yourself for what was about to happen.

You approached the white door lightly knocking on it, it flung open, the do not disturb sign almost falling, and you were roughy pulled into the room.

Your back hit the wall and his lips met yours, your hands instantly flew to his hair tugging lightly. His fingers dug into your hips making you whimper,

“Tom”

“You look so good princess, what's got you all dressed up?” He pulled back to take a good look at you.

“Decided to hit the club, but I could ask you the same thing.” You pulled on his unbuttoned collar that exposed his chest.

“Stupid date night.” He mumbled before reaching behind you and dragging his fingers down your bare back, his lips going to your throat.

You shivered against his touch, unbuttoning the rest of his shirt before throwing it off.

Tom's lips met yours again and he pushed you towards the bed hovering over you and pushing his knee between your legs.

“This dress is so pretty, I almost wanna fuck you with it on.” He ran his hand up your thigh, pushing the silly fabric up so it was bunched up around your stomach.

He let out a small fuck after seeing what you were wearing, rubbing his fingers up and down your already wet core.

You let out a little whine, pouting up at him through your lashes.

“Do something Tommy, please.” You begged, he loved hearing you whine and beg.

He chuckled before slipping his fingers into your panties, teasing your entrance before pushing two fingers into you, giving you no time to adjust to them.

You moaned out his name as he fingered you, loving the way it felt, getting relief.

“You like it when I finger you don't you princess?” Tom's fingers sped up and went deeper, the tips scratching at your g-spot.

“Fuck yes baby, I love it so much.” You grabbed his forearm and threw your head back into the sheets, feeling close. “Tommy, I'm gonna-”

“Go ahead love, cum all over my fingers.” His thumb rubbed circles on your clit and you moaned feeling your orgasm wash over you, “Yes that's it darlin.”

Tom slowly pulled out his fingers, bringing them up to his lips and licking your juices off of them. The sight of him doing so turned you on even more, you wanted him.

He leaned down and kissed you, shoving his tongue into your mouth so you would take yourself. He pulled your panties off, throwing them across the room before tugging your dress off as well, throwing it wherever.

“My pretty girl.” He cooed, tracing his hand over your bare chest, you hadn't worn a bra.

He kissed down your chest, taking your nipple into his mouth and sucking on it, his other hand playing with the other, his fingers tweaking your nipple.

He switched before kissing around them, sucking into your skin to leave hickeys. Tom grounded his hips into yours, making you whimper at the friction.

His pants brushed against your soaking core, waiting to be relieved.

“Tommy I want you.” You pulled him back up to you, your hands going down to his pants, unbuttoning them and pushing them down his hips.

He chuckled but nodded, pushing them off and discarding them with the rest of the clothing.

“One more thing” Tom smirked kissing down your body, leaving hickeys along the way, his fingers pressing into your thighs that would surely leave bruises.

He suddenly took a big lick up your core, making you jump and moan out. His lips sucked on your clit, his tongue licking around the area before he grabbed your thighs and pulled them over his shoulders.

He attacked your core with his mouth, dipping his tongue in you. You moaned out his name, gripping at his hair and your back lifting off of the bed.

Your hips bucked up as he continued to fuck you with his tongue, one of his arms came up to push your hips down while the other worked on your clit.

“Tom, baby, I'm gonna be so sensitive.” You whimpered, gripping the sheets.

“That's the point darling.” He spoke, sending vibrations up your body which pushed you even closer to the edge.

Your hips bucked against his arm and he moved his hands to your lower back, he sucked on your clit and sped up his pace, causing you to moan out and arch your back.

“Tommy.” You cried out, your second orgasm of the night ripping through you. He licked up your mess before standing up and wiping his mouth.

“How do you feel love?” He asked, leaning down to kiss your jaw and down to your neck.

“‘M tired.” You hummed, he chuckled before pushing his boxers down his legs giving himself a couple of strokes.

“The night is just getting started babe.” He ran his tip up and down your sensitive core, making you whimper.

He pushed his tip in, letting out a sigh loving the way you felt around him, he continued to push in filling you up before his hips met yours.

Tom wasted no time before pulling out and slamming right back into you, making you moan out quite loudly. You let out moans of pleasures and little whimpers, which drove Tom more.

He shifted so he was on his knees and grabbed your thighs, putting your knees up to his hips and his hands going to your hips, thrusting into you at the angle which made you scream.

His tip hit your g-spot and you cried out, gripping his arm.

“You're so good Tommy.” You whimpered out looking up at him, he looked so pretty, sweat glistening above his brow, his brows furrowed and his tongue between his teeth as he focused on you.

“You always take my cock so well, you're such a good girl.” He grunted going even faster, the only sounds in the room was your skin slapping and your moans and whimpers.

The familiar knot grew in your stomach and you whined, “Tom I'm so close.”

“Let's go baby, I know you can do it.” He encouraged, his grip on your hips getting tighter, and one hand reached down to play with your clit.

“Fuck yes Tommy, keep going.” You moaned out, the knot grew tighter and you felt yourself coming close to undone. “Tom-”

“Cum for me baby, cum all over my cock like I know you love.” He praised you, pressing his thumb almost painfully into your clit.

And it was all you needed before you were practically seeing stars, the third orgasm washing over you, you called out his name and arched your back feeling him still inside of you.

Tom milked out your high, before pulling out and dropping your thighs. You were about to tell him he didn't finish, but before you could he pushed you onto your stomach.

“Ass up love.”

“Tommy I don't know-”

“Yes you can baby, be a good girl.” He growled in your ear, giving you a slap on the ass before rubbing himself up and down your folds.

You sat weakly on your forearms, Tom's hands gripping your hips before he pushed himself into you, instantly driving his hips into your behind.

“You always do so well with me, does any other guy fuck you like this?” He grunted, tugging at your hair.

“N-no, only you Tom. Only you can make me feel this good.” You moaned out, feeling your arms wanting to give out.

“Would you ever fuck her like this? Do you ever call her your good girl?”

“Fuck no, you're my only girl. You take my cock so well, you fit so perfectly around me baby.” He ran his lips up your back, his warm breath sending chills down your skin.

“Tom, I, I don't know if I can handle this one.” You whimpered out, dropping into the sheets.

“Yes you can, good girls always cum for me.” He growled, pulling you up and pulling out before grabbing you and picking you up.

He slammed you against the wall before thrusting up into you, making you cry out. You had never been fucked like that before, but you loved it.

Your legs wrapped around his waist and your arms went around his neck, digging your face into the crook of it and leaving sloppy kisses, kissing up his neck and into his sharp jawline.

“Tommy.” You whined into his ear, which drove him crazy. His cock roughy hit your g-spot making you scream his name, “Right there baby, fuck, please don't stop fucking me.”

“God you make me feel so good, you're cock is so fucking good.” You praised him feeling your orgasm coming in really close.

“I don't want you to fuck anyone else Tommy, only me.” You pouted looking at him and into his eyes.

He pushed you deeper into the wall and rubbed your clit, and you came undone.

This orgasm shredded through your body and you almost fell limp if it wasn't for his tight grip.

“Tom” you whined out, feeling your orgasm still going, cum dripping down his cock, your walls clenching around him.

“'M almost there pretty girl, just hold on.” He grunted, and you nodded, digging your nails into his shoulder blades and looking over his shoulder and into the mirror.

It was a sight to see, Tom's back glistening in sweat with your arms and legs wrapped tightly around him, his hips pounding into yours.

“Fuck Tommy, we look so good. You look so good, my handsome boy, fucking me so well against this wall yeah?” You ran your fingers through his hair, tugging at it.

“You're my king, you treat me like a fucking queen.” You sucked at his jaw.

“Cum for me Tommy, I know you want to.” You clenched around him, and he let out a low moan.

“Do that again baby.”

You did it over and over again giving him multiple praises before he was finally shooting his load into you.

“Your cum feels so good in me Tom.” You purred, softly biting his ear. He slowly thrusted a few more times before leading you both back to the bed, laying you down on the bed before slowly pulling out.

Cum oozed out and you let out a slight whimper at the loss of contact, his cock was white, covered in your cum.

“I think that was one of our best ones hm?” He lightly chuckled leaning down to kiss you.

“Mhm, you've never fucked me against a wall before.” You smiled at him.

“Is this your way of telling me to do it more often?”

You nodded and bit your lip, seeing him walk to the bathroom to clean up.

You let out a sigh and looked down between your legs, seeing a whole ass mess, some of it was still coming out. You dropped your head back and closed your eyes, hearing Tom come back.

You felt something press against your core and you jumped up, practically flinching away cause of how sensitive you were.

“Relax love, I'm just cleaning you up.” Tom chuckled, loving the effect he had on you.

You nodded and let him before he dressed you in one of his shirts and a pair of clean boxers. He threw on a pair of sweats before climbing back into bed with you.

“You sure it's okay for me to spend the night?”

“Yeah, no one's coming by the hotel we're all meeting at the other hotel for press.” He told you, pulling you into his chest.

You nodded and sat in silence for a little bit before speaking up, “Tommy?”

“Hm?”

“Break up with your girlfriend."

He didn't say anything and you looked up at him, he was just staring at the ceiling, “Tom?”

“Yeah, yeah sorry. Don't worry I will, tomorrow night so it can just be me and you again. I'm bored of her anyway.” He reassured you, giving a smile.

“Good, I want you all to myself.” You ran your fingers through his hair, looking up at his pretty face.

“I know baby. I know,” he pressed a light and gentle kiss on your lips before pulling away, “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too Tom,” you smiled, kissing his lips once more.

There was still a lot to talk about, and a lot to figure out, but in that moment neither one of you cared. You were finally gonna be happy together, and you had each other.

And although what you were doing wasn't right, you didn't care.

He was yours.

i have an idea for a part two so stay tuned ;)

tagging: @webbedwonders

(let me know if you want to be added to the permanent tag list !!)

[yourghastlycloseness]

ON RUNNING AND DIETING (?) ok not really, it’s more body and health stuff. A note-to-self

Blogging on my other iphone, that’s why the caps are in order. I’ve lost about one kilogram even though I’ve been eating supper — which happens when I try to skip dinner but end up ravenous and clearing the fridge and breakfast counter of morsels leftovers — and a lot of dessert. Not sure why that is. Maybe it’s what I’m eating. Generally, if I’m doing a late meal, I avoid/don’t have any craving for carbs. I always want meat or sweets.

I’ve also been doing some light running, which actually doesn’t help at all with weight loss (when I was pushing myself to run further and for longer, I gained weight lmao. So now I keep it light), but it makes you full because you end up drinking a lot of water after a run.

I think I’ve also cut down on eating big meals for dinner. OK, not really. I often do fancy meals at night after work as a way of REMINDING MYSELF THAT IF IM A PART OF THIS CAPITALIST SYSTEM I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY WHAT IT OFFERS jk (p.s. can we talk about the way non soc sci/arts majors or ppl uneducated on the concepts in general misuse the word capitalism and communism because they want to make some smart, witty comments. I usually don’t correct them; that’s just not my thing because I don’t “know it all”. Though I am laughing at them on the inside because I have my condescending af moments. The only time I ever thought to correct was when this girl doing a presentation in architecture on Impressionism referenced Naturalism and talked about it being a movement of painting nature. I waited for the TA to say something, but she never did)

Wow I sidetracked. Point of this post is I love seeing the numbers go down each time I weight myself, but I’m also not a calorie counter. Honestly i couldn’t give a fuck, I’ll eat what I want as long as I don’t overdo it

But some learning points for myself.

How to eat less

- go to work (I really eat less when I’m working at work because I feel stressed and uncomfortable and am constantly in fight mode)

- buy a heavy lunch; eat 2/3 for lunch and 1/3 for dinner and enjoy a full dessert. You can split the dessert for both lunch and dinner too

- drink unsweetened tea with your meals

- practise eating smaller portions of rice. Eventually you get used to it that anything more than a 1/2 or 2/3’s a bowl seems too much

- it’s OK to not eat on time. Because it depends on what time you sleep anyway. Just be sure not to sleep immediately after eating. You will feel like shit

- trust your body. Does it feel warm? Can you feel the sugar in your blood? GET UP AND GO FOR A WALK/RUN

- eat balanced meals. And I don’t just mean greens and lean meats and a small serving of carbs. I mean a savoury-sweet-smoky sort of balance.

- avoid sweetened drinks. Sweet beverages aren’t a lot of fun anyway. Save the sugar for dessert.

- if you have IBS, yes, I know it sucks. But make use of it to help you cut down on food

- AVOID MOST COFFEES AND ALCOHOL YOU GENERALLY DONT LIKE THESE ANYWAY and they MESS UP YOUR GUT FOR THE DAY SO STAHP PLS

//

On running and why i should keep doing it and how I can keep doing it

- HELPS WITH ANXIETY. Heart no longer pounds like crazy when I spot roaches. I can climb the stairs just fine. What a beautiful feeling.

- sucks that they changed the street lamps to fluorescents instead of the dim orange ones, and now I can feel myself looking like a sweaty, beastly and pasty thing doing circuits at midnight. But ok, I’ll find a route that works ie. I can run up and down that short strip where the street lamps still glow orange

- I will always care about how I look when running. And that’s fine. I’ve accepted that. What’s important is to choose what time I want to run. 10.30pm-past midnight works. Running late doesn’t keep me up at night. In fact I sleep better when I run at night.

- running keeps my hair from being oily. My hair gets greasy easily (likely from years of overwashong and ruthlessly stripping it of natural oils — I used to wash twice a day. I still wash it twice a day because I can’t stand the feeling of unwashed hair, but now I keep it to one shampoo wash and one no ‘poo wash in a day)

- correct your running posture. Try not to lean forward so much. Unclench your fists

- WARM UP BEFORE AND AFTER RUNNING

- run 1-2 times a week. Keep the runs short and fun, so you don’t dread them

- keep discovering new music to listen to when you run

//

HOW TO DEAL WITH IBS (?) I’m self-diagnosed lol

- stand up or walk around after food

- consume a light breakfast and drink water in the morning - helps with bowel movement

- bathe first so you don’t waste time wondering if you’re going to have a bowel movement

- a simple zao cao routine helps shout-out to my chinesey high school for introducing this to us

- dont eat a heavy breakfast or lunch when at work; it’ll ruin your productivity and ability to focus for the rest of the day and severely upset your stomach

- bread generally causes you less problems than rice and noodles

- ramen broth is a no no

- raw salmon sashimi is also a no no

- you’re lactose intolerant: avoid milk teas and other milk-based drinks for breakfast and lunch

- VEGGIES AND FRUITS

- try not to eat dry rice

- try not to eat brown/red rice. This gives you constipation

- try to eat cooked veggies as far as possible, bcos uncooked veggies can also cause you constipation

- exercise helps with bowel movements

- Train yourself to have bowel movements only at the start/end of the day

- wake up a bit earlier before work to give your body some time to get used to being alive and awake again lol and also to decide if it has to poop

[ojibwa]

I have ibs too and milk fucks me up (we use alternatives but i'm a bit icky about all kinds of milk anyway),, but at the same time i rly want to try all this stuff everyone is suggesting bc it sounds so good in theory ?? does putting stuff in the milk cancel out the taste of milk or is it still v much there

personally for me it cancels out the taste of milk, but keep in mind i generally put a lot of that stuff in there (i have a MASSIVE sweet tooth so i can tolerate putting like. 3 spoonfuls of maple syrup in my milk)

[mothmanliveshere]

21 tags game

Tagged by @the-skys-rim

Rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to know better

Nickname: Leo/Lio, Mothboy, Moth. Oh wait shit it said one-

Zodiac sign: Aries sun leo moon gemini rising pisces mercury...

Height: I forgot

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff

Last thing i googled: ib stuff

Favourite musicians: This is a very difficult question but a few off the top of my head... The Regrettes, David Bowie, Dodie, Hozier, Green Day (although I have yet to come around to their new stuff), and Red Hot Chilli Peppers (yeah that’s right fucking FIGHT ME they’re good)

Song stuck in my head: Keep Growing by Camp Cope 

Following: eh?

Do i get asks?: very occasionally. I answer them even occasionallier but I do appreciate them very much i just. i got stuff going on

Amount of sleep: 9

Lucky numbers: i dunno man

Wearing: halfway between my pjs and the outfit i wore to school today

Dream job: thriving minor character with a grounding presence in a charming fantasy story

Dream trip: all of them

Interments: i beg your pardon

Languages: English, some german cause school

Favourite songs: at the moment I’m digging Revolution Lover by Left at London, but some long time favs include West Side Story by Camp Cope, Monster by Dodie, What’s My Scene by the Hoodoo Gurus, Jackie & Wilson by Hozier, Dumb Days by Tired Lion, Perth Traumatic Stress Disorder by Alex Lahey, I’m just gonna end this list here before I end up writing a hundred songs.

Random fact: My cat does this thing where you can at any point grab him and wrap him in a towel or blanket and he’ll just calm right down and take a nap. I want what he has. 

Aesthetic: primary colours. loud laughter. colour-coded study notes and flashcards strewn chaotically around a messy room. an acoustic bass guitar. flowers. everywhere. milk tea. misunderstanding questions. five to seven blankets piled on a bed. pencil sketches. mum jeans. jams with friends (the music kind, but not not the food kind) endless spotify playlists. singing loudly to well-worn songs. big hopes despite everything. 

tagging: I. look. it’s late. If u wanna do it. Do it and tag me, I wanna get to know all of u. but it’s late. and I want to cut down my screen time to sleep better. So no. I will break the rules and not tag nobody. 

[trashayfanfiction]

Fluffy smut I promised

PLZ tumblr don’t ban it. Rated M, but not Explicit. Slice of life, light comedy, uncomfortable situations.

Prompt 1 for smut week. “Video taping”

Ash goes to japan and finds some hardcore 'american twink' porn in Eiji's room. ....he is unsure how to react.

"LOOK I WATCHED THOSE BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU"

Ash makes him a custom porn tape.

Idk if I like this one well enough to post to AO3, so might be a Tumblr only thing. I feel the quality of my work is suffering due to the frequency I’m posting.  My diction is lacking and all of my works explore the same ideas. #uninspired but working on it.

..................................................

He was already stressed about visiting Eiji’s parent’s house. He was a man. What if they didn’t like him. What if, what if….

And then he found this little gem tucked in the back of Eijis bookcase behind some comics. “American Twink Railed Hard Gangbang’ the ‘Engrish’ scrawled across the cover in weathered white letters.

He’d thought it weird that there was a video tape behind the comics.

Eiji was out in the kitchen with his family. Ash wondered if his mom ever found his porn, this wasn’t a very sneaky place for it. Maybe she gave him privacy ‘boys will be boys’ and such. Eiji was nineteen when he first came to America. Men have needs.

The boy on sleeve was pretty and blonde, tied up in black shibari on top of a muscular man who’s face wasn’t pictured. The boy looked younger than him….

….but Eiji was still young. It’s normal to desire someone close to your own age. And Japan has different ‘age of consent’ laws didn’t it?  He still felt his stomach shift.

He looked at the back of the tape; images of the boy tied up in a grimy subway car, wrists attached to the overhead bars. Large men surrounding him.

That…… hit a little close to home. But that correlation was interesting. This was Eiji’s first trip back home, so it was unlikely these were new.

He removed some of the other comics, a single shelf of tankobons.  Behind them there was a another video and a few magazines. By no means a sizable porn collection. He could hold all of it in one hand. It was actually pretty pathetic.

Shorter had two milk crates of playboy magazines he’d swiped over the years. A truly impressive feat, seeing that almost all of them were shoplifted or stolen. He used to joke ‘when I die, you can have my porn collection,” To which Ash always responded with disgust.

His dad had ‘motorcycle’ magazines that Ash knew about before he ran away, it’s not like they were hidden. The house was only men; him, dad, and Griff. Of course Griff had some pinup girls from Sports Illustrated on his walls. Ash supposed Eiji’s small collection was part of living at home. …but a significant amount of it was pretty white boys getting fucked.

At least he didn’t need to worry about his boyfriend being attracted to him or not. ….now that they were at a point where attraction was acknowledged and welcomed. If he’d seen this when he first met Eiji, he could have been convinced there were ulterior motives.

He flipped through the magazines out of curiosity. One was relatively normal ‘straight’ man stuff; female models, cute Asian schoolgirls. Sweet innocence the primary sex appeal with provocative voyeuristic camera angels and demure poses. This is what he was expecting, not the other magazines full of kink. A slim blindfolded blonde boy with cum on his face. Another image of a Caucasian boy tied open over a Spanish horse, wood pressing into his groin.

He knew his hair was irrationally standing on end. The images were only shocking in relation to who owned them. Eiji was in the kitchen talking to his family, catching up. After introductions and talking, stumbling over Japanese and English. Ash had turned in early due to jetlag. The details of Eiji’s childhood room fascinated him. A tidy study area. No sports posters on the wall, the image Ibe took was framed in the family room though. The comics had drawn him in with their touch of color and personality….. Finding this was….stash… entirely unexpected in contrast to the clean normal exterior.

But he supposed that was normal. Most people didn’t broadcast their sexuality, let alone desires like these. Honestly, at the beginning of their relationship he was curious if Eiji even liked guys, his “Do you have a girlfriend?” question testing the waters. Eiji’s cautious “No, no girlfriend,” giving him a glimmer of hope to entertain an idea and fantasy he knew he shouldn’t have.

But Eiji’s awful flirting, and terrible dick jokes, bravery and earnest attitude….. and somehow they ended up here. He was doomed to fall for such a sheltered honest guy who laughably wanted to protect him and didn’t want anything in return. An equal he didn’t deserve.

But still…. Leather?

He had never needed to do much S&M thankfully, it wasn’t the primary draw to him…. But he’d done it.

Ash flipped through some more pages. A boy in a spidergag. Asian this time. This seemed to be more of a leather magazine than anything. The photography highlighted the young men in various restraints.

The last two magazines were ‘Hardcore White Boy’, and he was a bit scared to open them. This might be a secret that Eiji didn’t want to share, but curiosity got the better of him.

               It was exactly what he expected. Bondage and gangbangs, and red marks, and…. He put the papers down.

               He tried to forget that the boys looked very similar to him. None quite had his shade of blonde, and eye color wasn’t visible in most images, but the correlation was there.

               He decided it was time to put the porn back and stop poking in his significant other’s personal business. …but he kind of wanted to tease the man.

               He left the girly mag out. Opening it and posing it over his T-shirt covered chest when he heard the creak of Eiji finally opening the bedroom door.

               He gave his best overexaggerated sexy stretch, showcasing what he’d found. “This is the kind of thing you like?” He tried to pout, “Am I not your type?”

               Eiji froze as he saw the magazine in Ash’s hand. Evaluating the Caucasian in front of him for anything more than the shenanigans being currently pulled.

               “D-! Where did you find that?”

Ash rolled over, mischief overriding his system. “In your comics,” Shit-eating grin.

“I- is that all you found?” Dread crept up Eiji’s face…. It was adorable.

“Does a good boy like you have more?” He flipped through the magazine, “I think she’s pretty,” He teased. A pretty girl whining and covering her breasts as the camera ‘interrupted’ her changing.

“You know I’m not a ‘good boy’. Stop being a dick,”

His stuttering and flushing were amusing. ….Ash wanted to unbutton that pajama shirt and see how far the pinkness went…. But they were at Eiji’s parent’s house, and Japanese walls were thin.

Eiji set up his futon next to Ash. Letting a hand creep out to hold his friend’s fingers.

The night was normal.

………………………………………..

The trip was normal.

He still couldn’t forget the video tape and magazines.

He wondered if Eiji would ever bring it up. The other always knew when he was lying.

Nothing was mentioned.

They had been messing around a bit beforehand…. It was still weird. New. Hesitant in a way that was annoying, but not unwarranted.

……………………………….

               They had been moved into their new apartment about a week now. Eiji was out. The visible camcorder gave him an idea…..

It was easy to go to the sex store and find the things he wanted a few days earlier. Ash had been debating this for a while.

He wanted to see what would happen.

It couldn’t possibly hurt anything. Either Eiji would be turned on or it would be humiliatingly hilarious, both weren’t horrible outcomes.

…………………………………………………………..

Ash struggled more than he’d like to admit setting up the camera on the tripod…. He’d never needed to do this himself.

The camera’s presence still made him nervous. He denied that he was shaking.

He checked the viewfinder and lay out his implements.

He thought of who he was doing this for.

……………………………………………

“Hey! I’ve got a present for you,” Ash pecked him on the cheek as he returned.

Everything was cleaned up. The only evidence was the small cassette he’d titled ‘**Special XOXO’ with permanent marker.

               He plugged the camcorder into the TV.

Sounds of his own moaning filled the apartment.

“Y-you can take something that bit,” Eiji sputtered. The disbelief was delightful.

Ash licked the shell of his ear, brushing his soft hair. “Yeah, does it turn you on? I’ve still got rope marks on my legs, you wanna see?”

No reaction, but the older boy’s body was rigid under his touch.

His hand cupped his boyfriend’s erection. He flinched away from the contact. “I’m still loose if you want to do it now. Watch me on screen, and have me here.” He trembled at the suggestion, fought the urge to bolt and leave the one person he trusted more than anything. He licked his lips to cover up that reaction.

Would Eiji take the bait?

Was this bait? He just wanted to know Eiji’s reaction……

“So you did find it…..?” his voice was low and resentful.

Ash traced a finger along his boyfriend’s face, lightheartedly. Eiji refused to look at him, even going as far to hide his face in his hands.

“You must think I’m a terrible pervert.”

“I don’t think that at all. Do you want to do that to me?” He pulled his tank top to the side, pink nipple poking out of the thin cotton…. “You seem to be interested,” A frisky squeeze to the groin…. Eiji was hard… Ash felt his stomach turning. ….please say ‘no’, please say ‘no’…..

“Look, I watched those before I even met you,” He brushed Ash’s hand away, defensive. Angry? “Stop being cruel. I will not do stuff like that with you unless you want to.”

“I just thought you’d like it.”

“I don’t think you like stuff like that, so stop.”

Ash shut off the TV, quickly killing his practiced sounds of pseudo ecstasy. He left. The tension in the room was unbearable.

Eiji slumped farther into the couch, head in his hands.

………………………………………………………………

Cautiously Eiji entered their shared bedroom. “I’m sorry,” he started, “I didn’t think I should have let you know. It is embarrassing, you know?”

Ash stirred from under the covers, feigning sleep, “It’s not what you want from me?”

“….…you are very attractive. But I do not like you only because you are attractive,”

“I’m glad that you won’t do stuff like that to me. …. But I don’t think I mind if you have it.”

[daltongraham]

major food whining below the cut

(if I already whined about this...well...evidently I need to vent again)

oh just ARGH. Fuck EVERYTHING. cuz. as you know, if you read all my crappy personal posts, I am having major abdominal pain and constant nausea, and nothing showed on the CT scan (at least for that--kidney/ureter stuff is another story, and that’s acting back up again, maybe I’m passing another stone!), so it’s probably a major IBS flare, which I hadn’t had for some time.

So I’m supposed to do an elimination diet. And let me tell you, telling me what to eat or not eat is about the biggest way to make me dig in and get pissed and do whatever you told me NOT to do.

And, like, it makes sense, right? pare down to one thing, get the pain and nausea gone, then start adding back in to find out what the culprit(s) is(are). 

I CAN’T DO IT.

I just can’t! nothing but rice? it makes me want to cry!

yesterday I had: banana, oranges, ramen soup, a saltine, and a ham sandwich with mustard (not counting drinks, which I also tracked). Today I’ve had a banana and a ham sandwich, and saltines. I’M SO FREAKING HUNGRY. The nausea is gone, the pain is not, tho it’s lessened. There is a little milk in the bread I’ve been eating, so I can’t say I’m truly off dairy.

Both my advisors (my partner and my spouse, bless their hearts for listening to me whine incessantly) think I should do Just Rice for a few days until all the pain and nausea are gone.

I feel like I’ve been doing wildly well by keeping it down to 7 ingredients. I wanted to do fruitcake cookies tonight...then I pared it back to a gingerbread mix...but the boys are (as gently as possible) telling me they really think I should do Just Rice.

But my life is shit! In addition to the zillion other conditions, kidney stone! OW! I want chocolate and cookies and ice cream (even the non-dairy shit I got) and hot chocolate and just ANYTHING...oh man. Everything sucks. Food is like one of the few nice things in my life.

Maybe I can do it if I live on Ativan for a couple of days. Please, I just don’t want to do this. Why does it have to be food? Why can’t it be...oh, I don’t know, not cutting my fingernails for a month? Saying the pledge of allegiance first thing in the morning? Watching Fox news for an hour every day? Hitting my head against the wall 5 times before I go to bed?

What a whiny baby I am. But for me, this is just a fucking huge thing. 

Okay. Maybe now that I vented, I can make myself do just noodle soup + chicken tonight (I’ve already blown it today, right?) and go to Just Rice tomorrow.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I wish it was obvious that it was something like “dairy”, that’s easy to wrangle.

Oh well. Enough of this stupid rant.

[shutupandblog]

cute tags

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? // more milk! 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? // YES OMG YES. 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? // forks, notes, socks....anything I find in that moment... 4: how do you take your coffee/tea? // tea: just with water. coffee: flavoured creamer.... 5: are you self-conscious of your smile? // YEAH. 6: do you keep plants? // my mom forces her plants onto me so I have unexpected children to take care of. 7: do you name your plants? // no, I'll feel bad if I forget their names. 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? // songwriting 9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? // sing out loud, man. but yeah. 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? // fall asleep on back easiest but wake up on my side. 11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? // innovation at its finest, man. 12: what's your favorite planet? // saturn 13: what's something that made you smile today? // finding some of my old songs and realizing that they're not ALL lost. I was a genius in 2014 and backed it up on usb wow 14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? // open concept omf hit me with the natural light and big windows. no walls. big kitchen. no curtains. piano. hardwood. pictures in frames. 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! // "The Apollo astronauts' footprints on the moon will probably stay there for at least 100 million years." Source: https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&ved=0ahUKEwji75-ZwYXXAhWqxFQKHSroDssQFggxMAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmashable.com%2F2014%2F03%2F05%2Fsun-stars-space-facts%2F&usg=AOvVaw2BqM1yEL36GBccqMtEtOWs) 16: what's your favorite pasta dish? // i don't normally eat pasta so every time i see pasta i'll take anything. 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? // grey and lavender. 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. // 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? // i keep a lyric dump journal! 20: what's your favorite eye color? // GREEN 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. // my navy backpack was with my throughout high school and ib and i'm still using it in uni, so it's been to hell twice. 22: are you a morning person? // hell no 23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? // listen to all my cd's and find new artists...song write...listen to more music... 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? // yes 25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? // lol none 26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? // threw them out yo 27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? // banana  28: sunrise or sunset? // sunrise 29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? // my one friend has a habit of crossing her legs and tapping her foot that’s in the air when she listens / hums music and it’s sO CUTE. 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? // yeah. my mom went through a rough time and I hated being awake. 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. // in general: no socks. Weird socks are cool. I usually take off my socks as soon as I walk in through the front door. If I wear songs, they’re ankle length. Can’t do anything higher than that. I hate tights, I don’t do tights. 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. // i literally think we woke up at 4 to watch MAMA 2015 together. 33: what's your fave pastry? // i have no idea....bread pudding served on pie crust and ice cream? 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? // it’s gone. but it was called bonsai and it was a giant ass panda and i miss it. I had to get rid of it because we were moving and its head got ripped off. Or, ripped in half should I say. 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? // I love them but I never indulge in it!!! alkjngakjdfd 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? // my mood right now? omg bts - wings. 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?  // messy. 38: tell us about your pet peeves! // wet bathroom floors, getting my socks wet, sweaty in the winter, when people touch my things and don’t put them back where they are supposed to be so i can’t find it ugh, touching people’s food while doing dishes (SCRAPE YOUR PLATE @ SIBLINGS), people stepping on my shoes, looming too close to me while talking....etc.... 39: what color do you wear the most? // grey, black, pink. 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? // all my jewelry is meaningless bc I bought it all myself. Ahh- I have this one pearl necklace that my grandpa and dad bought for me in china and I haven’t worn it once. 41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? // gallagher girls series 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! // i’m not a coffee person 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? // myself a few mornings ago when I was going to my lab and waiting at the bus stop. 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? // when i was in hawaii doing the longest hike of my life and finally reaching the “end” of the island and you could see no city. Just sea lions, turtles and water. Dark stones. Wind. It was just myself and it was quiet and it was so beautiful. I have so many videos. 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? // fuck that shit, I got so many q’s wrong on tests because of it. 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. // gravity sucks. 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? // onions omf 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? // the dark. and yeah. 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? // I LOVE CDs. Last record I bought: paramore- after laughter (i think). 50: what's an odd thing you collect? // cineplex tickets and guitar picks. 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? // my friend S- I associate her with the song “Tokyo Jellybean” by Ingrid St-Pierre. She’s one of my favourite artists. I have never told her this. 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? lol cracking a cold one with the boys bc my psych always opens a pop can in the middle of this lecture (ALL THE TIME) and i just get reminded. 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? only heathers bc my friend showed it to me and I really liked it! 54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? // my friend Y. 55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? // raised my voice? 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? // being completely absorbed in their work, drinking coffee and looking out the bus window, falling asleep in random places. 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? // uhh i just use this song to check if my right headphone is working lol 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? // wine mom is T and vodka aunt is Y. I mean, if you meet them you’ll know. 59: what's your favorite myth? // im uneducated 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? // i like poetry- short poetry. 61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? // I gave cough drops / i received paperclip holders 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? // i’m a morning water person 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? // YEAH I AM. Bookshelf man. 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? // black 65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? // no bc if I haven’t seen you in a long time, I’ve probably dropped you. 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? // baby’s breath, blue bells, daisy. 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? // I LIVE FOR THOSE DAYS 68: what's winter like where you live? // either snowy heaven or mushy hell 69: what are your favorite board games? // i’m basic, so monopoly. 70: have you ever used a ouija board? / no 71: what's your favorite kind of tea? // oolong or vanilla something.... 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? // yeah i really need to 73: what are some of your worst habits? // drop my clothes all over the bedroom floor and leave them there.  74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. // a breath of fresh air 75: tell us about your pets! // i had a goldfish once but on the car ride home to my house it died. 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? // STUDYING WTF AM I DOING ANSWERING A 100 QUESTION TAG 77: pink or yellow lemonade? // PINK 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? // i’m a spectator  79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? // painted me fake polaroids and stuck them in a colouring book omg 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? // tan. it’s the colour of my entire house.  81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. // didn’t pass engl man i can’t do this 82: are/were you good in school? // i WAS 83: what's some of your favorite album art? // rise against, fob, volbeat, ingrid st pierre, ts, bts. 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? // i’ve always wanted a roman numeral tattoo but i don’t do commitment. 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? // i only read peanuts and archie as a kid 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? // i only listen to pink floyd ..the wall. 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? // not a movie person. can’t comment. 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? // idk.... 89: are you close to your parents? // sure 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. // tokyo omg god save me 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? // the farthest i’ll get is my bed 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? // barely sprinkles a pinch 93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? // up 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? // my auntie 95: what are your plans for this weekend? // this weekend is over and so is my academic career 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? // procrastinate 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? // 1. don’t know, 2. scorpio, 3. ravenclaw 98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? // real hike: this summer in hawaii, fake hike: w my friends downtown. I loved both times the same. 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. // Exo- what if/my answer, Taylor- all too well/never grow up, Shawn: running low, Alessia: my song, Bts: sea, Pierre Luc lessard: sans combat 100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? // 5 years in the future. The past 5 years have been hard.

I tag: @kabul1998, @iamnotmadamebovary

[jenroses]

Sometimes it’s really hard to write about other people’s happy times when it reminds me of when I was strong and thought I could do almost anything. 

Sometimes it’s an escape, but sometimes it’s just a really rough reminder of how hard I’m struggling right now. 

The true answer to “How are you” behind the cut. It ain’t pretty.

The nausea is bad right now. Every week it’s a little worse, Saturdays. The dosage hasn’t changed, once a week I sit on the toilet lid while my husband is in the bathtub, and I swab alcohol between the stretch marks on my belly while he reads some old book or another (literally old, he’s on this kick and I think he’s up to the late 18th century? Maybe 19th? Idk.) 

I swab the top of the tiny vial of vile chartreuse poison. It’s thick:  in the little glass container it rolls thinner than honey, but thicker than oil. 

I pull out a syringe and draw .8 ml of air into it to push into the vial, in order to not create too much suction inside when I’m trying to pull the thick liquid into the needle.

The flashback comes when I get ready to inject, every time. When I was pregnant, I pushed a much larger amount of fire into my belly twice a day, every day, for most of ten months. It hurt, it bruised, and it kept me from clotting, and it meant that I survived a pregnancy without clots, long enough to give birth to a bundle of ornery sunshine. 

Methotrexate does not keep me from clotting. This is poison, and it’s only once a week, and the needle doesn’t even hurt going in. It doesn’t hurt pushing the medication in. But I know what’s coming. 

I do this before I head to bed. It’s almost always six or seven in the morning, because I dread it, and I want to milk the last of the “feeling okay” I’ve finally managed to achieve by the time I’m six days out from the shot. So I stay up too late, and then collapse into bed and cease to function for the rest of the weekend.

I sometimes think that I’m making too much of it. It’s only a little bit of chemo. For cancer, it would be 10-25 ml, not .8. It could be worse. I could be taking it orally and killing off my gastrointestinal tract. With the blood thinner I’m on, that seemed like a bad idea, so shots it is. 

When I let myself think that way, I do ill-advised things like decide I can fix shit and push through, like I did today when there was a crisis in the house over the fact that a DVD had come from the library as a blu-ray, for which we have no player. So I went to a store that had no electric cart to buy things that are literally way more expensive than a season of Game of Thrones could ever be, and came home to discover that there was literally no way to install anything on the computer that was supposed to get it. I sat there for an hour trying, on the wrong chair, which I should not have done, and then spent another hour trying to figure it out on a different computer. I emerged victorious, with a migraine and a blossoming fibro flare. 

I take... take feels like the wrong word. I subject myself to methotrexate in order to keep my immune system under control, to prevent my body from waging war on my gut, my liver, my salivary glands, my lacrimal glands and the membranes around my knuckles. It doesn’t work nearly as well as steroids at making me feel good, but might have fewer side effects long term? It’s hard to say. Something is going to kill me, and whether it’s the rheumatoid arthritis or the medications to fight the rheumatoid arthritis, or the blood clotting disorder, or the meds I take to prevent clots from forming (when the real problem is that once clots form, they just don’t STOP)... I don’t know. My grandmother lived to be 101 and right now that feels like too damn long. 

I have children. I have a husband. They need me, god knows why, and so I stay. I spent most of my time with my son today yelling at him. He’s five and it’s absolutely not his fault that my skin is so sensitive that touch is painful to me. I’m sure there’s probably a more graceful way to tell him that I just spent every last bit of energy I had making a couple of eggs that may or may not stay down and no, I don’t have the energy to deal with him wanting a new packet of salami and cheese when he hasn’t finished the cheese from the last one. He spent most of the day hanging out with his dad and his oldest sibling. My daughter is fortunately well cared for. We are protected from each other, but I wonder often what she thinks of our new reality, where she always has someone, but it’s almost never her mother because I can’t risk her feet or her teeth, because I can’t risk my temper or my lack of coping. Because I can no longer lift her, this child that I carried on my back for three straight years because she hadn’t learned to walk yet. I only stopped because I ended up with a clot and couldn’t lift anything. 

Writing has been hard this week, because when I write I draw on my experience, and right now it hurts to remember that once, I was a dancer, once I was a competitive swimmer, once I stood in front of people trying to ignore a bigot and roused them to speak out against him.

When I write I remember the things I could do and the places I went. I did so much. And it feels like that is over. The last convention I went to hurt. I had a scooter, and pillows, and a hotel room to retreat to, and it hurt so, so bad that I now associate conventions, which were fun, once, with blinding pain. 

The last one I went to was just before I was diagnosed. My joints were on fire. I thought I would need a wheelchair forever afterwards. 

I’m afraid to go back to the doctor and tell them how much the methotrexate is hurting me because the alternatives are thousands of dollars per month.

We can afford it, I just hate being that much more of a burden. That money was supposed to let us enjoy my husband’s retirement. But the idea of going on a cruise? I don’t see it happening and I don’t know how to break it to my husband that it might not be possible. 

I keep feeling like there are things I should be doing, like I should be trying, TRYING to exercise, like I should be trying to do something about my weight even though I know that trying to do something about my weight is not actually going to result in making healthier choices. There are barely any foods I can eat. No foods that are unambiguously healthy for me. The last thing I need to do right now is tell myself I can’t eat the few foods that don’t actively make me sick.

But today I tried to push through and I feel like I’m going to lose the entire week to it. 

I have no extra resources for social niceties. I’m completely social-scripting my responses to comments on my fic (please keep making comments, it matter so much, just understand if my responses are short.) I’m making huge social errors because I’m misreading things because the only way I social is by applying cognitive effort and I just don’t have it right now. 

I hear about people living and doing relatively normal things with RA. But my RA was not correctly diagnosed in a timely fashion. In retrospect, I think it started in 2014, but they didn’t have the right test in common usage so they shrugged and attributed my symptoms to “I don’t know some sort of inflammatory process probably related to EDS” and so by the time I was diagnosed, 29 joints were on fire and the antibody levels were so high they could not be accurately measured.

A lot of people with RA just have RA. 

I have RA, EDS, Hashimotos, Sjogren’s, fibro, sleep apnea, allergies, IBS, and Factor V Leiden. I’m probably autistic, definitely neuroatypical, with massive sensory issues and a brain that does amazing things in a lot of areas and is utterly inept at the things people expect to be easy. If I write people well it’s because I’ve been studying human beings like an anthropologist since I was three years old. (I gave my mother a sheet of paper on which I’d drawn a wide variety of facial expressions because I was trying to understand facial expressions.)

Someone asked me once, “Have you considered that your problems might be psychological?” I laughed in his face. The idea that I could, via mental illness, magically clot the blood in my veins or sabotage my own thyroid? I mean, I absolutely have anxiety and intermittent depression issues, but ffs, those things don’t make my salivary glands swell to the size of golf balls. I get tired because my body is attacking myself, and exercise makes that process worse because it fucks with my immune system which is pretty good at fucking its own self up.

Someone asked me once why I pursued so many diagnoses. The answer was, “Maybe if they figure out the right one, they can fix something.” It’s not because I *like* collecting diagnoses. I miss being able to eat normally. I miss being strong and physically fit. I used to swim 10 hours per week. I used to ride horses. I used to go camping and loved it. I used to be able to build things with my hands. 

I have to remind myself not to do those things.

I have to, because pretending I’m not sick makes me sicker.

Every shot I take seems to push me into a flare. Not a huge flare, just a few joints reminding me that this isn’t over. That this will never be over.

I got through the twice-a-day-Lovenox routine because I knew it was finite and i knew there would be a baby I wanted very much at the end of it.

I will be on methotrexate or something like it for the rest of my life. 

It feels like poison. The sneaky poison that you think isn’t poison until your lips go numb even though you didn’t drink it. And then I sleep and think, “Well, at least I can sleep.”

And then I wake up and my whole body hurts, and the exhaustion pulls at me so hard, and I’m supposed to eat something so that I can take the small dose of steroids I’m still on, and I don’t want to eat because my stomach is on a boat. 

Saturdays might as well not exist. Sundays aren’t much better. By Monday I can drag myself to physical therapy. By Tuesday I can drag myself to the grocery store. By Thursday I start to think, “I really should exercise” and on Friday I fight dread about the coming shot. 

This morning my husband said, “I blame Trump.”

And I said, “You might as well. Stress increases inflammation, and most of my stress in the last six months has started with That Man.”

It is no mystery to me that so many people died last year.

The mystery is how we keep going when it’s hard.

“How are you doing?” asks a cashier. They all ask this. Everyone, locally. It’s a reflex thing.

And my brain won’t let me give the flip lie of an answer. I can’t say I’m fine. I’m not fine.

“I’m doing,” I echo. (Right now this feels like a lie, too.)

Sometimes they say, “How are you today?”

And I just say, “I’m here.”

Sometimes what doesn’t kill us just doesn’t kill us (yet). 

I’m not stronger, I’m just not dead.

[scientia-rex]

“Functional Disorders”: aka “we don’t really understand what you have, but we kind of believe you”

If you are not a medical person and there is one thing you take away from my posts about med school, please let it be this: doctors are people who like answers. It’s definitional. Different fields approach it differently--family medicine doctors have pressures that shape their diagnosis and prescription habits that are very unlike the pressures on hospitalists. (Family doctors will therefore rag on internists for being indecisive, and internists will rag on family doctors for not being thorough enough.)

But people go into medicine because they want to help, among many other reasons. (Anybody going into it for the money and prestige now is likely to be very disappointed. Just ask the people who’ve been in the field since the 80s--they have LOTS of thoughts on HMOs and the way reimbursement has changed.) And the way we’re taught emphasizes clean, orderly, logical patterns. There should be a physiological correlate to a symptom. A physiological change should cause a symptom. If someone has back pain and a bulging disc, the disc should be the cause of the back pain. 

So when we run into something we can’t point to a clear physiological correlate of, we get frustrated. Often it limits what we can do, and we like action. It limits how well we can understand what’s happening. Doctors are, on the whole, uncomfortable with ambiguity. Which is unfortunate, because there are a lot of conditions we just don’t have a great understanding of.

Diabetes is the kind of condition doctors love, especially Type 1. There’s a clear understanding of at least the majority of the steps in the disease development. Your immune system attacks your pancreas, your pancreas stops making insulin, there’s a whole host of changes that follow in the biochemical cascade with predictable physiological changes as a result.

You know what doctors don’t love? Irritable bowel syndrome. Not to be confused with IBD--inflammatory bowel disease--because IBD consists of two syndromes, Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, which are both pretty well mapped out and understood. IBD is immune-mediated. Going on an immunosuppressant medication, like Humira, should and often does provide a significant degree of relief.

IBS, on the other hand, is what’s called a functional disorder. Functional, in this context, means that it doesn’t seem to have obvious physiological correlate. People with Crohn’s disease get ulcers everywhere along the GI tract. You can’t deny, when someone develops a fistula around their anus, that they’ve got a real physical condition. But in IBS, you can put a scope all the way through someone’s colon and see no changes. In ulcerative colitis, you’d see continuous inflammation. You could biopsy and see cellular changes. But in IBS, you don’t see anything. And the response of doctors has been, very often, to pretend that that means the symptoms aren’t real. That patients are making it up. Hypochondriacs looking for an excuse to see the doctor.

This is, of course, ludicrous to anyone with IBS. I’ve never had in my life had what would medically be considered a normal GI history. I structured my early life around it--in my teenaged years my ability to do normal things, like go to parties, was severely hampered by the uncertainty around whether, at any given time, I would suddenly be struck by terrible abdominal pain, with the humiliating sequelae of ruining the nearest bathroom and being the laughingstock of the social group. My mother and sister had the same problem. My mother’s father had the same problem. It was always transparently obvious to us that this was something with a genetic link. There were some foods that made it worse, but nothing we could avoid that made it go away. The three of us have tried every restricted diet in the book to try to minimize our symptoms. We’ve tried fiber, peppermint oil, apple cider vinegar, loperamide, you name it, we’ve given it a shot. One of the problems in treating IBS is that it seems to have a component of increased sensitivity to pressure as pain. Everything that will regulate bowel movement frequency will also increase gas. Gas pressure means gas pain. And no, simethicone doesn’t help.

I don’t even tell most doctors about the IBS because they get this scrunched-up look on their face. They want to tell me to try Miralax and simethicone. They want me to eat more fiber. I have done those things. They don’t work. If I tell the doctor that, they get almost personally offended. They blame me for having a problem they can’t fix.

A number of years ago, I suddenly started having bladder pain. It was very sudden, and very weird. I’d never had anything like it. I had a family history of recurrent kidney stones, so I figured that was the problem. But long after a lithotripsy, the problem continued. Finally my urologist, grudgingly, conceded that I might have something called interstitial cystisis. I’d never heard of it. Looked it up. It’s... intermittent bladder pain without any known physiological correlate. Wheeeeeeee.

People with one functional disorder are at higher risk for other functional disorders. Which means we’re at higher risk for being perceived as crazy. We’re also more likely to be mentally ill, which means doctors are less likely to take our physical symptoms seriously.

But the idea that I somehow imagined my bladder pain into being is beyond preposterous. It wasn’t there, and then it was. I’m a highly educated, medically savvy, reliable reporter of symptoms. I know when I’m in pain.

Whatever the underlying pathology is, my guess is that it’s a transmission disorder: nerves are talking wrong. They’re reporting problems where there aren’t really any. Or, given that I have various atopic conditions (eczema! now renamed atopic dermatitis!), maybe it’s got a component of epithelial/endothelial dysregulation. Whatever it is, it’s real, but we don’t understand what it is yet. So doctors are in denial, very often.

And they hate to admit when their only tools have failed. With functional disorders, since there aren’t good medical interventions, it often comes down to behavioral changes: I have to drink a ridiculous amount of water if I want to not get random bladder pain. Why does it work? We don’t know. Maybe it dilutes whatever substances in the urine are irritating the bladder. But that’s a big maybe. I just find that it helps, so I do it. I have to avoid milk, grease, wine, beer, caffeine, and a lot of other foods if I want to maximally control my IBS symptoms. Why? Who the fuck knows? But watching my symptoms and changing my eating accordingly is the only thing that’s provided any relief, and even then, not much.

So I don’t talk to doctors about it. Because I’m tired of hearing their three pet tools. (”Stress can make it worse, have you tried yoga?”) Specialists are sometimes better, sometimes even worse. “Functional disorder” is a diagnosis class that means “enough people have described this, consistently, that we believe it’s a thing, we guess”, but there are still plenty of doctors who don’t even believe that endometriosis, which has clear surgical correlates, exists. So you’ll run into doctors who think you’re just a whiny whiner who doesn’t like occasional irregularity, instead of understanding and believing that this is something with a major impact on your quality of life. It’s not killing you, so they won’t take it seriously.

The moral of the story isn’t to never tell your doctors about symptoms. By all means, do. But don’t expect them to have good answers if they can’t find a physical correlate of whatever the functional problem is. And do expect them to get frustrated if you don’t get better.

[empresspilaf-blog]

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

I’m answering all of these because as previously stated I have a real thing for filling stuff out. I like being asked questions it’s fun, keeps my brain workin’ :D

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk. And I never drink it at the end. I can’t, I’ll get sick. I can’t drink milk, and if I have cereal too often I’ll get sick. But it’s just not right if there isn’t lots of milk D’: 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? NOOOOOOOOOOO DDDDD: 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Anything? I think there’s a Mythology book around here somewhere with a peanut M&M’s wrapper in it.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don’t put anything in tea, and I’ll drink black coffee, but sometimes I put creamer in it. If it’s available. I like peppermint mocha best yum :D

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Nope! I think it’s pretty nice, actually. It’s one ofthe few things I actually like about myself lol. I hate my body and my acne but I think my nose, eyes, and smile are decent. I had braces so my teeth are straight. I didn’t wear my top retainer though so there’s a small gap, but it doesn’t bother me. Except when I eat apples. The skin always gets stuck >:( My teeth could be whiter, and they’re small and square looking, but I think my smile is alright.

6: do you keep plants? No, but I want to. I just can’t keep up with that stuff. And my room faces a very shaded yard so sunlight really doesn’t come in. 

7: do you name your plants? I totally would! 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I prefer to draw with pencil/colored pencil, charcoal, and I’m trying to use inking pens. I suck at painting lol. I did just get a tablet, though, and Autodesk Sketchbook. So that’s been fun to play with.  9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Oh yeah. I would love to be able to sing really well. So far I can do a decent Marilyn Monroe impression lol. My favorite thing to sing along to is No Doubt. I love Gwen’s voice. It’s a good exercise too, all the vibrato and crazy patterns she does. I also like to sing Heart, too. My boyfriend says I sound pretty good, but I still won’t let anyone else hear me lol. Even though he’s a musician and probably knows what he’s talking about, I still don’t think it’s that great haha 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Yes.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hmm I can’t think of any that don’t require a long explanation lol. Well okay, how about this. I didn’t ever really drink until I turned 21 (almost exactly a year ago, January 17!), and then when we’d hag out with friends and I’d get drunk, I’d start going up to people whispering “Hey. I’ve never been drunk before” in their ear lol. Like ever time it happened (which wasn’t all that much, I’m still not a huge drinker). It got to the point that now if I drink, everyone goes “Watch out for Robyn, she’s getting drunk for the first time!” 

12: what’s your favorite planet? Uranus ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  Hehe uhm Jupiter, because it’s full of gas, like me? I’ve honestly never really thought about this. I think Neptune is the prettiest, and I like the idea that humans may be able to live on Mars.  ~Sailor Pluto is my favorite Sailor Scout. :D

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? A mess hahahahahahahahahaaha. She has three cats and I have a dog. We both have depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD, and ADHD. (fun fact, our diagnoses are identical. We both have PTSD as well). But we love doing crafts and not cleaning our rooms, so I imagine there would be glitter, scrap fabric, pencil shavings, and wadded up paper everywhere. Among the pet hair, of course! 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! 99% of the solar system’s mass is the sun! (shit!) 16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? S P A G H E T T I

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Uhm well I’ve literally had every color lol. But right now, I’m having a lot of trouble getting red to stick to the lengths, it keeps fading to brown immediately. My hair is very damaged so it’s not too cooperative at this point :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Uhm ok so I have IBS pretty bad, right? My friends and I went to Denny’s one night. We came back to one friend’s house, and I needed to fart (Sorry, this is gonna be gross lol). So as my friend Nick was coming up the stairs, I stuck my butt out and farted on his chest area. Only I didn’t fart. I pooped on him. HAHA and now everyone laughs at me because I shit on the bass player! The best part was I ran to the bathroom and I had my boyfriend get my spare undies from the car (gotta have those when you got that Irritable Bowel), and when I went back downstairs, Nick had no idea what had happened lololololol 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Nopeee 20: what’s your favorite eye color? I mean as far as what I find attractive, brown. Big brown eyes. On guys and girls. But especially guys. Girls with light eyes can still be cute but I think dark eyed men are just the best <3 That’s not to say there aren’t also some attractive men with light eyes (points to Bradley Cooper, Chris Hemsworth, Conrad Veidt, J o n a t h a n  J o e s t a r). 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My smiley backpack! I just started really using it about a year ago, but I got it when I was like 3. so it’s around 19 years old. I actually just ripped one of the straps out partially last night, and I gotta sew it (thanks for the reminder!). It’s about a foot in diameter, and it’s just a giant yellow circle with a simple black smile and eyes and two straps. 22: are you a morning person? If by morning person you mean I stay up all night and am awake still when morning comes. Though I was up from Thursday evening to last night with no sleep, so I slept all last night and have been up since 6:30 this morning. 23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Well since I’m pathetic and I don’t have a job and the Kent State University won’t let me have Financial Aid (due to dropping my classes last semester because of HEALTH ISSUES, wtf), every day is like that. I hate it, actually. I do nothing but sleep. I stare at my computer for hours, scroll tumblr and Facebook, get out drawing supplies and then stare at the paper and cry, lay in bed and cry, cry and cry ;u; 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My boyfriend, Mr. Alexander Tortorella. He’s been one of my best friends since 2010, and my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. Also my two closest friends, Taylor, who I’ve been best buds with for over ten years (we even got tattoos together) and my friend Ryanne who I mentioned before (the one with all the problems like me lol). 25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? No where, I’ve never broken into anyplace. Other than my car once because I locked the keys in it lol. 26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I actually have these flat slip on clogs that have like a brown sweater fabric that I got in 2006. I wear them pretty much all fall/winter if I’m just running to the store or to someone’s house. If there’s no snow, of course lol. I also have Converse I got in 2007 that have the British flag on them, and The Who’s logo on the tongue. there’s smiley faces drawn on the rubber at the toe, and along the side banding one one of them are lyrics to “What a Catch Donnie” by Fall Out Boy.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I love regular bubblegum’s taste but it doesn’t last long enough to bother. 28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset 29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Uhh…? My friends aren’t really “cute” people hahahahaha. I mean Taylor has called me “Bobert” for years and that’s funny lol 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yeah this one time when I was little I floated too far on a raft in Lake Erie and thought I was gonna end up in dying lol. I mean compared to other things that have happened in my life that really isn’t anything too bad, but the fear I felt at the time was so immense. 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love socks! Cool socks. I’ve got Marvel hero socks, whale socks, Star Wars socks, Sailor Moon socks, Winnie the Pooh sicks, sailboat socks, and funky pattern socks. I hate sleeping in socks though. I also have a collection of black dress socks from marching band haha 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I got naked and chased a friend down the street when I was 17. That was my one experience being drunk before I was 21 lol 33: what’s your fave pastry? Friggin Oreo Poptarts. They count. 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Little Pooh! And Big Pooh! I have a like 2 and a half foot sitting Pooh Bear and a small one. I dragged them both everywhere when I was little. I still slept with the small one until I was like 16. But it’s so worn and falling apart, I needed to switch to a larger version to cuddle lol. Now I just kinda cuddle whatever teddy bear or stuffed animal I grab haha 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yes, but I don’t really have them. I do have some super cool Norman Rockwell notecards. And I have rainbow pens I use to color coordinate notes. I’’l freaking rip a page out and re-write everything if i mess up. 36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Well I’m currently listening to “Fly” by Sugar Ray and I’d say that’s doin’ it pretty well :D 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Yeah so have you seen a tornado’s aftermath? 38: tell us about your pet peeves! People who chew their nails (Glares at Alex, even though he’s not here). Girls who talk all hood, and act dumb for attention, then get offended when you don’t take them seriously.  39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I wear a ring everyday, I only take it off to shower. Alex has one too. They’re silver bands, and they have the coordinates to our high school engraved in them (that’s where we met). One has the latitude, one the longitude. Inside mine it says “Alex”, his says “Robyn”. 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? White Oleander by Janet Fitch. 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I just like Starbucks. I’m a white girl. Sue me. 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? əʇndɯoɔ ʇou səop 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Oh, no. I overthink everything 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I can’t just do this on the spot!!! The other day a friend asked if I was going into the medical field, because I was really nursing my beer lol 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? BEANS. All beans. Fuck beans. 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Yep, spiders. 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? The last CD I bought I think was Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance. I’ve had every word of it memorized for like 10 years, but I never actually owned a hard copy. The last record I bought was probably Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin. *note; as I was moving on to the next question, the song “Houses of the Holy” came on my iTunes o.O (though let it be noted as well that the song “Houses of the Holy” is actually on the album “Physical Graffiti). 50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Souls. And old empty bottles. Like empty pop bottles. Not so much anymore, but I have a ton of them in my room that I use as decoration 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Pretty much anything from Def Leppard’s Pyromania or Van Halen’s 1984 reminds me of my dad because those are his favorite albums (and 2 of mine) 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? I mean the salt guy is funny? I’ve really been slacking in the dank meme area lately. I am truly ashamed. 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I have only seen Beetlejuice of those (I knowwww), and I like it, but the heavy late 80′s asthetic creeps me out a bit. Not the stuff that’s supposed to be creepy, but all the black and white checkerboard and stripes, bright colors, and things like that lol 54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My dog, because I wouldn’t let her have her bone back (it was bed time!) 55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? We don’t need to discuss that. Once again; I have BPD. That should tell you plenty. 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Not being an asshole. That’s about it. 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I mean I do sometimes, other times I just listen and enjoy it. My friend Nick did a project for school (he’s a music production major) where he mixed the original tracks differently, and he made the bass and snare more prevalent and now the original sounds empty to me hahaha 58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Lol what??? I mean I drink wine more than anything, but I probably drink more vodka than anyone else too lol. Most of them just smoke that reefer to be honest. Alex and I don’t, he doesn’t drink either. And I rarely drink vodka. But no one else ever does lol 59: what’s your favorite myth? The brown sound lol. The idea that there is a decibel so low that if you hear it, you’ll poop yourself! They proved it to be false on Mythbusters, though. 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I used to write poetry a lot. I actually was published in a national anthology of selected student poets in 9th grade. I have trouble being creative anymore, though. I like Thoreau and Walt Whitman. We studied them in 11th grade. 61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I’ve never really given a gag gift. Though one time I wrapped a robe I got my sister in a series of boxes and duct tape just to mess with her :D I wouldn’t say I’ve ever received anything “stupid”. 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope. I like apple juice, though. Orange juice makes me sick. Acid reflux issues. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? OOOOHHHHHH Gotta be in alphabetical order. Though currently my books are strewn across my floor, mixed in with clothes, my Sailor Moon VHS collection, shoes, makeup, blah blah blah 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Really light grey. Ohio is bland and gross. 65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My friend Taylor. she doesn’t live very close so I don’t ever see her anymore :’( 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? I have a few I made over the summer. My favorite is just a bunch of daisies. I love daisies <3 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Lol indifferent. That’s what today looks like, and pretty much everyday around here. 68: what’s winter like where you live? Well when I was younger, it was snowy and bright and fun. Now it barely snows, and it’s always gloomy and muddy and gross. My basement flooded a couple days ago because it rained so hard.  69: what are your favorite board games? MONOPOLYYYY. I got a Dogopoly for Christmas hehe. I like Sorry and Clue a lot too. 70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Green tea, and the youthberry/ wild orangeblosson tea from Teavanna 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah pretty much. And I still always tell myself I won’t forget shit, and then I do. 73: what are some of your worst habits? Smoking cigarettes, sleeping too much, drinking pop instead of water, picking my nose lol. I’m twitchy and fidgety but that’s just the OCD and ADHD. 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Uhhhhhhhhh “Big fat faggot”. (that’s actually how he would describe himself, he likes going up to people and saying “I’m REALLY gay”) 75: tell us about your pets! I have my darling baby Mae Mae, she’s around 9(??) she’a a black mutt that looks like a bear/wolf lol. I got her from the Humane Society. Then there’s Bellatrix, who my mom got from the HS. She’s a brindle boxer, almost 4 years old. We have a 7 month old kitten named Hosta. My mom found her in the hosta bushes outside this summer, so we named her after the flowers lol. We also have a guinea pig, of my sister’s, named Alfie. He’s about 2? 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? I could use a shower. 77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink <3

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I thought they were cute in Despicable Me, but it’s gotten way out of hand. 79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex once bought me ice cream and flowers and made a sign that said “sorry for being a douche”. I don’t even remember what he did wrong, it was cute :3 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Well a few months before we moved in, I painted them purple. Then I decided that was boring like a couple weeks before we moved, and I got tihs cool 70s-looking (or even 30s really) floral wallpaper with like gold and pewter flowers and I put it on two walls. I painted the one wall orange, the tiny bit around the closet sage green, and the area around the door with chalkboard paint. Then I got mad one day about a year later and went and bought light green and covered the orange. I still don’t really know why lol. 81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Dude what? I don’t stare at anyone’s eyes?  82: are/were you good in school? HAHAHAHHA. I got suspended for mooning someone. That’s all you need to know. 83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Queen’s News of the World has a sweet cover. Def Leppard’s High N’ Dry, Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker” single, of course. Green Day’s Dookie, Dio’s Holy Diver. There are aa TON but you know. I’m getting sick of typing lol 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I’m planning on getting a lot lol. Currently a Ginger Rogers close-up on my forearm. I have a Pooh sketch on my side, “You’re braver than you believe” (Pooh quote) written in my friend’s handwriting on my right shoulder, and “There’s still time to change the road you’re on” on my right foot (”Stairways to Heaven” lyrics). 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Yes, Marvel, Infinity Gauntlet is my favorite. (not including manga because I’m ready to be done with this lol) 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah, they’re cool! Currently I’ve been listening to To Pimp a Butterfly a lot, actually. 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Star Wars (original 3), Back to the Future, A Clockwork Orange, Metropolis 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? A R T  D E C O, art nouveau 89: are you close to your parents? My mother. I don’t talk to my father much. He was abusive to me, he’s an alcoholic. 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I don’t really have any? I don’t live cities very much. 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I’m going to North Carolina for a wedding, that’s about all I can think of. Probably going camping. 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE ME BABY 93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Well I’m mostly just at home doing nothing so it’s just kinda down and pushed back out of my face. But when I go somewhere it’s usually something pinup-y or 2 buns on top of my head. 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Taylor’s was December 29. But mine is Tuesday! :DDD 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Alex has a show tonight, so there’s that. 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? ”Remind me tomorrow” 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Don’t know, I’ve never taken one of those tests. I’ve started to, but I can’t really answer the questions right. My answer can go either way, my mood is always changing. I don’t believe it’s easy to pin down a BPD patient’s type. I’m a Capricorn, and I’m not really into Harry Potter. My IQ is pretty high though, lol. I’m proud of that. It’s the one thing I have haha. 98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I don’t remember, but I know I whined the entire time because I’m out of shape lol 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Uhhhh. My brain isn’t functioning at a very deep emotional level right now lol I can’t think of any? I guess “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood, it reminds me of my father.  100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither. I don’t want to change the way things are now. Sure, I’d love to tell myself “Don’t gain twice your body weight” and “don’t drop our of high school or college” but like, Butterfly Effect. I know somehow that would make it so I never reconnect with Alex, or I end up dating someone I wasn’t happy with, or what if somehow I got in a car wreck and died as a result of something stupid? And I don’t want to see the future. What happens happens and I don’t want to live in anticipation.

Feel free to talk to me about any of this stuff! I welcome friends, I’m lonely haha

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz/dbo 25.05.17 lb

plain text version here.

i miss the purana waala punditji who used to show up for all the poojas. 😕😕😕

lol what's with this weird 90s indipop type music for the maha-aarti? 🤔🤔🤔

also, does every aarti done by this family have to be a MAHAAAAA aarti? do they not have normal low key aartis like the rest of us plebs? 😗😗😗

what other occasion did they wear this floral set of outfits for? i'm fairly sure i've seen it before. 🤔🤔🤔

has to be one of shivaay's wedding functions with tia, i guess. 😕😕😕

GOD WHY WON'T THIS AARTI GET OVER, DO WE HAVE TO REALLY WATCH THE WHOLE THING? ITNA DEKHNA THA, TOH SACH KI POOJA MEIN CHALI JAATI. USKA PUNYA TOH MIL JAATA. 😑😑😑

aur prasad bhi. #prasadKeLiyeKuchBhiKarega 🙃🙃🙃

wait what? when did anika see that pinky was behind the whole thing? is this an editing glitch???? or did i miss the scene???? 😟😟😟

amazing. she's hiding behind the most translucent fucking curtain in the fucking universe. goddddddddd anika. 🙄🙄🙄

yep. audio editing glitch. she hasn't discovered that it's pinky yet. 😶😶😶

OH MY GOD, THIS AARTI WON'T GET OVER. LIKE *MY* ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED JUST WATCHING IT. 😣😣😣

ouff WALK FASTER, ANIKAAAAAA!!!! 😩😩😩

ugh. prinku's here to ruin things as usual. 😒😒😒

... ok the oBros better get a direct access pass to heaven for this aarti, honestly. 😐😐😐

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! 😫😫😫

ouff, abhi dus ghante is reaction ko kheenchenge. 😒😒😒

like, i don't get why anika is SOOOOOOOO shocked. of ALL the people in the fam, pinky is the LEAST SURPRISING answer to ‘who could be behind this?’ 😕😕😕

oufffffff, this episode is going to really test my patience. and im just 7.5 fucking minutes in. 😣😣😣

... and the aarti is STILL on. STILL. matlab yeh toh aarti nahi, TAPASYA ho gayi. lord shiva himself will be coming down and granting the oBros boons for their penance and dedication by the end of the episode. 🙄🙄🙄

finally, the aarti is picking up pace, at least. 😐😐😐

anguished glances exchanged. shivaay notices, but decides to play it cool. 😶😶😶

this mahasangam has been mostly hit and miss, but i'd like to thank it for giving me my shivaay/gauri brOTP. 😌😌😌

what was that look that shivaay and om exchanged??? 🙁🙁🙁

SWARNNNNNN AKSHAR. #vadeLogVadiVadiBaatein 😏😏😏

lmao anika, really? afterrrr everything she's said to you, you're like this is a "galat fehmi"?? girl, you're 7 different types of stupid, honestly. 🙄🙄🙄

LMAO THIS JANKYASS "KUL PATRI". they didn't even erase the "guides" properly. 😂😂😂

if it was me in this situation, watch me fuck up my otherwise good handwriting while writing in the kul patri. 🙈🙈🙈

i just noticed that they seem to have recycled sumo's mangalsutra and given it to gauri? or maybe it's not the same one, but the design is pretty similar. 😐😐😐

awww, jhanvi's happy sigh. 😊😊😊

ouff, just write it. or don't. make up your mind. 😒😒😒

LMAOOOOOO OM, GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF. 🙄🙄🙄

gauri be like BITCH, PLAY ALONG. 😟😟😟

hahahahahahaha, check and mate. shivaay totally fucked you over. 😆😆😆 

HAAAAAAAA. I LOVE IT. HE WRITES IT IN HIMSELF. I FUCKING LOVE IT. 😈😈😈😈😈😈

also, amaaazing how anika and om have the exact same handwriting in devanagari calligraphy. 😇😇😇

now you can't blame her. she did the best she could. your bitch ass couldn't commit to the act. 🙄😒😒😒

finally. anika's seen the light. 😐😐😐

haaaaaye. pretty pretty babies. 😍😍😍😍😍😍

ugh, i like this song, but why THIS version, instead of the male one? that version is better! 😫😫😫

god om, you're the worstttttttttt. 😑😑😑

lmao honestly pinky. do you think this is endearing you to jethani ji? she likes her bahu, you know... like ONE SHOULD. 🙄🙄🙄

god pinkyyyyyyyyy, you're honestly so fucking terrible. like, ok, you're allowed to have opinions on anika, however wrong they are, coz your son is married to her. but where the fuck do you get off spewing such bs about GAURI, when jhanvi just told you that she loves her and thinks she's perfect? 😠😠😠

THAAAAAAAANKKKKKKK YOUUUUUU JHAAAANVIIIIII. YOU'RE HONESTLY THE FUCKING BEST. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

god, why did they dispatch her off to DBO, when her sanity is sooooo desperately needed in IB????? 😩😩😩

ohhhhhhhhh boy. oh boy oh boy oh boy. looks like anika won't have to do khulaasa after all. mummeh is hellbent on phodofying her own bhaanda. 😶😶😶

lord give me patience, i am about to cut a bitch. 😡😡😡

what's he gonna do? what? WHAT? 😧😧😧

of all the phones that have met their demise at shivaay's hands, this one had the most noble death. #salute #trueMartyr 😌😌😌

how was he certain that the kalam would break? what was his plan if it didn't???? 🤔🤔🤔

lollllllllll shivaay, you're making it SO FUCKING obvious. 🙄🙄🙄

also haaaaaa! fuck you pinky. 🙃🙃🙃

why is the room decorated for suhaag raat???? 😶😶😶

oh boy she has a glass of milk also. yikes. 😬😬😬

why's he asking HER, as if SHE did it? she was with him the whole time. 🙄🙄🙄

"hum din mein mombatti kyun jalayenge???" #askingTheRealQuestions 😂😂😂

IS HE FUCKING MAD?????????????? 😫😫😫😫😫😫

LMAOOOOOOOOO. and that's that. happy now, om? 😂😂😂

wait what???? WHY IS BUAMAA TRYING TO DRUG OMKARA???? OH GOD, IS SHE EVIL????? 😫😫😫😫😫

oh thankkkkk god. some distraction from the crappiness. 😥😥😥 

loooooking goooood, rudy boyy! 😘😘😘

oh no, back to this. for once i don't want to see a shivika scene. TAKE ME BACK TO RUDRA IN MEERUT!!!!!!!! 😩😩😩

girl, you're the worst at hiding shit . just tell him. 😶😶😶

yay, back to rudra! 😊😊😊

matlab kuch bhi????? aise kaise kisi bhi ladki ka haath awaiiii pakad liya???  😟😟😟

LMAO THE MUSIC. SO CHEESY. 🙄🙄🙄

... ok she looks A LOT like amrapali (kamini)??? 😯😯😯

down to the mole around the mouth/chin area! they could really play sisters! 

oh my god, why is she crying?!?!!?!? 😟😟😟😟😟😟

cry baby meets bigger cry baby. 😂😂😂

yikes, i don't like her already. 😬😬😬

i have the same face and reaction as rudra right now, honestly. 😒😒😒

ok what is this garbage? is this what i had to give sumo up for? FUCK THAT! 😤😤😤

fwding this cheesy ass BS coz i honestly can't. 

what does he mean that the bride isn't marrying the guy???? isn't this a shaadi ka ghar???? the bride's house??? WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING????THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. GOD. 😡😡😡

lmaooooooooooo gauri is highhhhhh. 😂😂😂

and om is the established charasi of the relationship, lol. 😇😇😇

omg her laugh is adoraaaaaable. why is she soooo damn cute? it defies the laws of science! 😍😍😍

lol nandi is gonna be her cow, isn't it? 😐😐😐

*angrily yelling* “ARE YOU SAYING I'M ALWAYS ANGRY?????”

idiot. 😒😒😒

"ab shankarji ka naam pe aapka naam rakha hai, toh aap kya teesri aankh khol ke hamesha humare peeche lage rahenge???" 

OMFG YAAAAS GIRL, ASK HIM. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

seriously, it's like the ghost of old shivaay is possessing him. 😐😐😐

getting this girl highhh is the best thing that has ever happened. 😌😌😌

oh my heart. this angel. i love her so much. she deserves sooooo much better. 😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

run away, girl. just run away and find yo'self a better man. 😣😣😣

"KADOOO PATA THA!" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

YESSSSSSSS! DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCHHHHHH HER!!!!!! 😠😠😠

oh gauri, bade bhaiyya ko dekh dekh ke hi toh yeh aisa ban gaya hai. ab bade bhaiyya ne u-turn mar diya toh yeh akela pad gaya apne is kameenepan mein. 😕😕😕

"one for all, all for one" my ass. 🙄🙄🙄

lol "baarish". this adorable munchkinnnn. 😚😚😚

wow. that was some super quick sobering up. 😐😐😐

girl, just LEAVEEEEEEEEEEE. honestly, leave his fucking assssss. 😒😒😒

god, from the frying pan to the fire. 😩😩😩

ok, so he knows that it's someone from the inner circle. just... hit him with the truth, anika. just rip off the bandaid. 😬😬😬

lmao ok, doesn't look like SHIVAAAAY SINGH OBEROIIIIII is handling it very well after all. 😂😂😂

GIRL WHY DID YOU COME BACK???????? 😣😣😣

is buamaa evil or not? or did she just try and drug him to get him to MELLOW THE FUCK DOWN, coz he needs it. 😒😒😒

but seriously, could people stop trying to drug omkara? he has drug issues for godssakes. 😐😐😐

lmao ok, i'm #teamBuaMaa again. 😊😊😊

yaaaaaaass girl, stand up to him. #teamGauri4eva 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

yeah, your hair flick isn't remotely as cool as shivaay's hair flick. stop trying so hard. 🙄🙄🙄

ohhhhhh boyy. shivaay is not handlingggggg it well. 😬😬😬

GREAT. JUST GREAAAAAAAAAAT. MUMMEH KA KOI NAYA DRAMA SHURU HO GAYA. 😑😑😑

OH LORD WHAT EVEN... ugh, do i haaaaaave to watch tomorrow? it’s my day offff, i just want to be happyyyyy. 😩😩😩😩😩

[two-nguyen-blog]

Decompression

Decompression. Yeah, I’ll have to agree to that. Both of us are too close to each other, so it is kind of tense and frustrating and stressful. In regards to H, yeah, to be honest, I would be upset for the way she’s acting too. I’m not sure how exactly she is being spiteful, but yeah, you’ve definitely always been there for her and have always been supportive but she has done nothing for you, putting Gwen above you when it came to your friendship. So don’t be afraid to feel that way. I was very conflicted with how I feel towards Bach but I never felt bad that I was feeling the way I felt. Because that’s how I generally felt and reacted to whatever she did. So don’t say it sounds petty. It’s perfectly reasonable.

I’m sorry that the downstairs last year didn’t feel like it was your own space. It was very inconsiderate of me to not think of it like that and now I know what it feels like to not being able to have my own space or privacy to do as I want even within my own home. I guess that’s just the way karma works... Anyway, whenever I’m doing my own homework or downstairs, I would like it if everyone else could go into their own rooms unless they are eating or doing something in the kitchen. I guess I really don’t mind if I’m playing video games, but still, it’s not exactly like I have any walls or a door to exactly close myself off from everyone. Can’t work the same way as it does with my emotions. But moving me down here was actually a good idea. Gave me a sense of responsibility that came with cleaning my own living space and knowing what its like for someone to not respect that. Now that I know that now, I wonder if it’s too much to ask for that respect when I had previously not done that. 

Anyway, I just didn’t know how to go about things when that happened. I mean you guys can continue being intimate with each other, I don’t mind, but it’s just awkward when it’s your family doing that, I guess? Don’t worry about that aspect too much, things just happen and you can’t help it and I can’t help it. That isn’t at the top of my worries anyway. 

The thing that has been bothering me is that during the night time, could you please close your door if you guys are going to stay up late and do something? I can still hear you guys talking when you are upstairs in your room, but only when it gets around after 11:00 at least. If you guys need to use the restroom or the sink that’s fine, but otherwise, please close your door and keep your noise to your room. It’s not really noise, but you get what I mean, I hope.

I don’t think that’s healthy, Hue. But honestly, I know what you mean. Distractions are better than directly dealing with what you’re feeling right now, so you drown yourself in work and school so you don’t have to think about O leaving and what comes after that. Also, I know that O has been such a great part of your life for the past several months, but you shouldn’t have everything based off of him. Just because he’ll be doing different things, doesn’t mean what you’re doing is no less important and interesting and not everything will end with him. It’s okay to feel sad, to feel scared, to feel anything. But don���t let it consume you. I know it’s been hard balancing between your depression and financial problems and our current differences, but hey, life has so many things in hold for you. And no, not all of them require money. I don’t want to tell you that it’ll be okay, but you have people supporting you, okay? Just remember that. Now you have J, H might be coming around, who knows, me, S, P, T, R and who knows who else? 

Also, yeah, it’s already hard going into 2nd semester. I don’t know what’s happening. I haven’t been feeling so well for the past few days and I don’t know why, but I know that before, I could’ve been able to push through it and not have let it bother me so much before. But thank you for allowing me to take the days off from school. I really really need it this semester. I need to get my shit together though. Just school wise and preparing for maybe tennis and volunteering and studying for the IB tests. 

It’s okay. I know you have other preoccupations, so don’t worry about it. You’re busy and you want to spend as much time as you can with O, so don’t worry about it. And I don’t mind taking care of the doggo. I only got upset the other day (I overheard you and J talking the other day in the morning after I got your groceries) because you and I aren’t the only ones in the house. O is here too and there’s not really a schedule to walk the doggo anymore, just when someone feels like it.

But I liked the routine. That’s why 6:00, 11:00-12:00, 4:00, and 9:00 should be a designated schedule in the case someone couldn’t walk him because they went out and if someone were at home, they can do it. Also, I was already at the supermarket to get the groceries last week and when you texted me, “I can get it if it gets in the way of walking K” I got mad and J was in the car with me to notice it. Like your car has shit car mileage and I hate wasting time, so you should’ve just asked “Can you go get milk for me as well?” instead of just assuming that it was too much of a bother for me? I don’t know, but when you texted me that, I felt you thought I was just too fucking lazy to do it. I sounded very irritated when we were texting because O was at home and didn’t walk him or one of you guys could’ve walked him before heading downtown since I wasn’t home yet with J from getting groceries. I just don’t like it when time is not planned or utilized properly, I guess.

Nonetheless, I always have time if I need to help you with something. So just ask if you need my help and plan accordingly so that you and me both can save time while also taking care of our responsibilities in regards to the house and the doggo.

And open dialogue. Yeah, well, I don’t want to get yelled at in the case I say something wrong, so that might take some time for me. I’m not good at standing up for myself at the cost of confrontation, so it will still take time before I can be open to you outside of this. Especially since O and J are at home. At this point, it seemed like 2 against 1 but now it might be 3 against 1. Like I’m not saying that you guys are opposing me or I’m opposing you, but when it was just you, me and O, I felt like an outsider. So I don’t feel like its really an open place where just the two of us can talk but I will try to be forward in regards to anything that’s bothering me.You should too. Call me out on my bullshit. I’m sure there’s a lot of it.

Anyway, don’t push yourself too much during work and school and take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to feel things and vent about them. I love you and I hope things will be better next week. 

-Rin